Destination 2: Arkansas and Missouri the Show-Me State!

Oh dearest reader.

Here we are once again, significantly delayed in updating you on our voyages, and unashamedly unapologetic for it! Our trip has remained so incredibly FABULOUS that we have hit the proverbial hay each night with aching feet, tired eyes and not a fibre of our being left able to sit and type a few words to you.

But now, gentle reader, that time is over! For now we find ourselves starting to slow the pace down (a little bit), and able to bring you – lovely, lovely reader – into the picture: since last writing about San Francisco, there has been much that we have seen; much that we have done; and much that we have laughed and pointed at!

And so, now it is time to cast our mind back into the distant and murky past and recall everything that was…

The South and Midwest of America!

So we left the fair city of San Francisco – the shining metropolis of bays, bridges, fog, and fabulous shoes. We jumped in a Southwest flying machine (with unreserved seating! How uncouth!), and zipped across the dusty deserts of California and Arizona, and eventually landed in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was there that our rental car was waiting for us, and in true American style, it was the largest thing we had ever seen:

It really was not what we had expected – we were anticipating something substantially smaller, however we took it with glee and hit the road bound for Springdale, Arkansas. Our little heart skipped a beat as we turned on the radio and found a local station with host “Sheree” who was running a program akin to MIX’s Love Song Dedications which our Australian readers would be familiar with. Sheree was delightful and provided the perfect soundtrack to our drive. As Sheree pumped up the volume on Dirty Dancing’s “I’ve Had the Time of My Life”, we really thought that it couldn’t get much better than that!

But, of course, it did.

For after arriving in Arkansas and enjoying a late dinner in a local fine dining establishment (i.e. a Thai ‘restaurant’ in a dive motel), the very next morning we (that is, Eurotrash and our relatives that we were visiting in Arkansas), packed our car and drove across another frontier border and into the state of Missouri!!

Now, if one takes a closer look at the above picture, one would notice the Missouri state slogan. Each state in the US has a slogan which is supposed to highlight their greatest asset or pitch it as an attractive place to visit.

For some reason, the powers-that-be in Missouri long ago decided that Missouri should be known as the “Show-Me State”.

What?

What indeed is Missouri supposed to be showing us? How does this transaction work? Does Missouri automatically show us things of general and specific interest? Or are we supposed to ask Missouri for particular things and then our wishes would be granted as Missouri lived up to its name as the “Show-Me State” and actually showed us what we wished to see?

How is this mysterious “Show-Me” supposed to work?!

In our profound confusion and befuddlement, we rolled on in to the town of Branson where we were passing the next couple of nights. Branson, we were told, is the home of family entertainment in the United States with theatres galore, theme parks and general wondrous attractions. As the glory of Branson slowly revealed its self, we decided to try it out asking the Show-Me State to show us interesting things and see what would happen.

And we were not disappointed for Missouri was indeed the Show-Me State, and whenever we asked, Missouri followed through showed us everything our hearts desired!!

Dear oh amazing Show-Me State of Missouri! We are longstanding fans of perennial heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio! If only we could see a monument to his greatness, we would be ever so happy! Show-Me the Titanic oh Show-Me State of Missouri!

Oh!! Gosh!! There it is!! Yes dear reader, you are looking at a portion of a full replica of the Titanic, sitting attractively in a parking lot right next to Highway 76 in Branson, Missouri. And what’s more, this is not even a regular Titanic attraction. No! It is a full museum dedicated not to the actual Titanic, but rather it is a full museum dedicated SOLELY to the “Greatest Movie of All Time – James Cameron’s TITANIC!”. Oh yes, this is one for the movie fans only. If you have any interest in maritime history, then what are you doing at a Titanic replica in land locked Branson, Missouri??

We decided to try again as our first request was so overwhelmingly wonderful!

Dear oh stupendous Show-Me State of Missouri! We are intrigued by the mysteries of the world, and have heard of such wonders as an ‘Elephants Graveyard’ where old elephants congregate to die together. Is there any such phenomenon here in your state? Show-Me your version of the Elephants Graveyard oh Show-Me State of Missouri!

Oh!! Gosh!! It’s an AGEING CELEBRITY GRAVEYARD here in Branson, Missouri!

So NOW we know where the other stars go who don't get offered a residency contract in Las Vegas...

Are you serious, oh Show-Me State of Missouri? Andy-friggin-Williams is still alive? And he’s accompanied by Ann-Margaret?? Oh, my heart palpitates with such excitement! We hoped to see Andy and Ann-Margaret in show before they trundled off to die (some time soon quite likely), but there were so many other attractions to see that we forgot all about them as soon as had taken that photo.

Hmmmm. Now it was time to ask for some other things…

Dear oh astounding Show-Me State of Missouri! As a world-traveller, we are interested in knowing how we shall indeed be travelling in the future! Oh Show-Me State of Missouri! Show-Me the future of economy class travel!!

Oh!! Gosh!! How accurate your forecasting seems to be!

Dear oh astonishing Show-Me State of Missouri! As we are now in the heartland of America, we wish to see a lovely ice-skating show with acrobatic performers that magically morphs into a display of over the top Americana thereby reinforcing the image that America is the greatest nation on the face of the Earth, and thereby inducing the hick audience to spontaneously jump to their feet and stomp and clap in applause and general acclaim, and then have the ice-skating show dedicated to American servicemen and servicewomen in Iraq!

OK... so you got the first part oh omnipotent Show-Me State of Missouri! What about the rest of our request?

Oh!! Gosh!! Show-Me State of Missouri! You really can come up with just about anything at all! Your powers of Showing-Me are limitless!!

Dear oh startling Show-Me State of Missouri! We trot around the globe in search of knowledge and life experience, but what of love? When, oh when, will we find our One True Love, our heart’s true desire, our True Love’s Kiss (note homage to Disney’s ‘Enchanted’ here dear reader: essential viewing)?

Well, after all of this excitement, let us assure you gentle reader, we simply had to leave Branson, Missouri as we were on the verge of expiring from using superlatives to describe our experiences and the stunning powers of the Show-Me State. It was time to head back to Arkansas.

Upon arrival, we headed out for the quintessential American experience: a baseball game. We found that, remarkably, we quite enjoyed ourselves! But please be reassured dearest reader, we did not enjoy it for the sport itself. No, remarkably, a baseball game is little about the actual baseball at all! It seemed that between almost every pitch, there was some sort of cerebral-numbing event:

A running race between a Pringles tube, the Cheetos leopard and another unidentifiable consumer product mascot!



A spelling competition sponsored by a medical centre (hence the spelling word of rheumatology) that was participated in by a man in a giant strawberry outfit!



An inexplicable mid-field ‘stacks-on’ of cows wearing shirts saying “Eat More Chicken”!



At the end of all of this excitement, we were surprised to find that our time in Arkansas was up and it was time to move on. It is always quite amazing to discover how time does fly when one has fun.

Yes dear reader, that is correct. We had fun. A whole lot of fun actually! It was such a pleasure to visit our relatives and see their young family prospering and blossoming in a new country! It was wonderful to discover that ‘Southern hospitality’ actually exists and really is as warm, friendly and inviting as promised! We just enjoyed seeing an alternative side to America which is generally off the beaten track of the well worn tourist trail.

However, all this warm fuzziness came to an abrupt halt as we caught a bus from Fort Smith to Little Rock, Arkansas so that we could connect to a flight to New York.

As we boarded a Greyhound Bus at 3:15am (yes! AM! In the morning!) in Fort Smith (otherwise known as Skanksville, Middle-of-Fuck-Knows-Where County, Arkansas), we were highly displeased to find our good self, Eurotrash, sitting next to actual Southern trash.



Oh! We kill ourselves with our wit and humour!

And so one chapter of the Do-Re-Mi World Tour ended, another began…

Between now and when we write that next chapter up for you, oh lovely reader,

À bientôt,

-Eurotrash

Destination 1: San Francisco!

Hello, gentle reader, hello.


Well, at long last, this trip is most certainly under way, and what better first stop could there be other than San Francisco, California? (This is a rhetorical question. It is not intended to be answered. So don't answer it please as your views don't count here. Unless you want to tell us how wonderful we are. Then, and only then, will your opinions be valid and taken into account.)


After quite a lengthy flight - made all the more lengthy after a delay leaving Sydney - we finally landed and a US immigration official let us into his country. Silly man.


Once we'd made the trek through the city centre looking for our fine hostel establishment (fancy blocked up toilets and a red light district experience anyone?), we took ourselves a-wandering to see what the city had to offer... and so we saw all the main sights that everyone has seen (that is, what we've all seen from the opening credits of Full House, and from the movie Mrs Doubtfire...). We beheld the splendour that is:


The city skyline at dusk (after walking up a million stairs and getting to the verge of cardiac arrest).



The Golden Gate Bridge.

And yet, whilst they were all wonderful in their own right, we were waiting... just waiting... for that moment to come along. That particular moment when everything clicks into place and really makes this city stand out as a memorable place to visit.

And then we saw him.

Well at first, we didn't see him actually. All we saw was this:



And then after seeing what that did, we avoided it and walked around the side and then saw this:


And then we stood on the other side of the street with the rest of the small crowd that had gathered and then laughed hysterically as we saw him do this:

(or you can click here to see the video on YouTube if you're having trouble viewing it)

And we stayed and stayed and continued to laugh at every new victim! Wonderful times! He's apparently been here for years doing this. We would do it too - it's friggin funny!! Right. We think we've found a new career...

What - or who - else tickled our fancy whilst wandering the streets here? At Union Square in the heart of downtown San Francisco on Saturday afternoon, a fashion parade was in full swing when we stumbled past. Let's just take a quick peek first at the host of the parade who was all manner of hotness:

The host, who had such amazing skills, was in fine form:

Host: And so, now ladies and gentlemen, next up in Fashions in the Square 2008 is a designer who has travelled for 38 hours just to be here with you in Union Square, San Francisco! She's taking African deeeee-zign to new heights! She comes all the way here from Zam-bye-ahhh. Oh honey have I said that right?
Zambian Designer: Uh, no, it's Zambia.
Host: Oh! Riiiight! OK, Zam-beeeeeeeee-yaaaaah. OK, so in your deeee-zigns we see lots of strong African colours and animal prints. Are you taking inspiration from your homeland in Africa? Talk us through that honey.
Zambian Designer: Uh, yes.
Host: Well, that's just great! Let's have a look at some of your deeeee-zigns!

And then out trundled this Zoolander-type:

Take particular note of the handy cape to keep off that winter chill as you do your grocery shopping!

Note the triangular flap with bright red border strategically placed to ward off oncoming traffic when walking at night!

Note the woman in the background who was actually laughing out loud when the rest of us were definitely wanting to...

On a more serious side, San Francisco seems to be a very unique town indeed. It draws on so many diverse inspirations: an amazing Chinatown, a lively and beautiful Little Italy quarter, the Latino-fuelled Mission district, the out-and-proud flamboyant Castro, the brilliant antique operational street cars that come from all over the US and the world (we have taken charming rides in 1950s and 1960s streetcars from Philadelphia, Boston, Milan, Turin and Zurich), Art Deco and Victorian architecture and restorations next door to temples of modern concrete genius...

And so as we finished up pulling a root in Chinatown,

(Sorry, we just had to.)

we decided that San Francisco was just such a wonderful place because of the ability to have all of this sitting side by side and somehow, it all comes together as one incredibly vibrant, energetic and engaging whole.

Oh, and it's also the place of cheap fab shoes!

And so, as this first chapter of the Do-Re-Mi World Tour ends, another is set to begin!!

For as this post is being drafted, we are indeed "24 hours from Tulsa" as Burt Bacharach once knowingly foretold. Tomorrow, we wing our way via the dusty deserts of Arizona and end up in Tulsa, Oklahoma where we pick up a car (an SUV - how American!), and drive off into the sunset and over the border to northwest Arkansas where Eurotrash will be meeting up with relatives who live there.

We think that this next leg of the trip is the one we've been most looking forward to...

Not only because we are reunited with our cousin once more; but rather, imagine the COMEDIC GOLD we are certain to encounter in the peoples who inhabit this far and distant land (or trailer park)!!

And so dear reader, we bid you a fond farewell for now. And as the French say, deux billets pour le metro s'il vous plaît.

Yours in French-like classiness,

-Eurotrash

[Post-script: we are experiencing some technical iss-ewes with our Mac notebook in trying to upload things onto this site... as such there may be some slight delays in getting posts up! We are not quite so technical you see. Pardon moi.]

And so it begins...

Hello gentle reader, hello.

Well smack me over the head with a dried herring, but the day has arrived and we are only a couple of hours away from departing Our Fair Nation's Capital, Canberra.

And so, the Eurotrash Do-Re-Mi World Tour is LAUNCHED!

We think it may be fair to say that we are relatively excited about this looming adventure. Nay, we may even go so far as saying that we are so incredibly excited that our thighs are trembling so much that they are slapping us in the face, and that we are working our way through our stock of Tena Lady pads quite rapidly!

Oops, must dash.

I just squealed and let out a little bit of wee.

Quite undignified.


Of course, we shall attempt to update this as often as possible to keep you positively enthralled at our adventures around the world.

First stop: San Francisco, California!

Au revoir (do you see? We sometimes use French because it is tres classy. Ergo, eurotrash is classy)

With Papal-endorsed blessings,

-eurotrash.x

Oh deary me... the countdown begins again!

Heavens above! My goodness, dear reader, I did not expect to see you there! My oh my, how it warms the cockles of my heart to see you faithfully returning after I abandoned you so for many months now.

We have been busy generally saving lives (by email), and studying in order to fill our brain with uselessful knowledge in order to improve our standing in the world.

But lo! In just over one month's time, we are indeed glad to report that Eurotrash will be once again hitting the road - and this time, circumnavigating the globe! From 19 July we shall be leaving Sydney (running, screaming, away from Sydney as World Youth Day descends, some may say...) for the shores of the United States for the first time! We shall be visiting the land of the Golden Gate, followed by the heartland of the Midwest (!!) and on to La Pomme Grande.

Onwards from the Land of The Fre akin Weirdos e, we shall descend once more upon Scandinavia - alighting in Helsinki, home of the Eurotrash Pilgrimage of 2007, and then on to Stockholm and Oslo where we shall indeed be residing until December!

After finishing in Oslo, we shall be making our way across to Asia - visiting Tokyo, Singapore, Hong Kong, Manila, Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta before returning home to our fair city of Canberra. And real life.

It's going to be quite a journey, and we are certainly in for an enthralling ride... as will YOU be dear reader! Oh how excited I am to be bringing you along on this journey with us!! My thighs are trembling so violently with excitement that I fear they may soon slap me in the face.

Enough excitement for now - I must get back to pouring out all sorts of information from my head and onto the page in the form of a terribly exciting university essay.

Yawn.

Let the adventures begin!

With much love,

Eurotrash.

This aint trash...

But it's so damn cute it just had to come here for show and tell.

Behold! Uni the Hedgehog!

La vie en Europe, or, IFONLYGEORGECLOONEYWASABISEXUALPOLYGAMISTANDWOULDMARRYUS

Well hello there gentle reader, hello.

We are certain that your little heart went a-pitter-patter when sighting of this posting appeared on your computer screen.

For lo! we have not perished; nor have we (unfortunately) run off into the sunset with George Clooney never to be seen again.

Alas, alack, we are indeed returned to Canberra, Our Fair Nation’s Capital, having enjoyed a marvellous (but condensed) romp around the various countrysides of Europe. As we have regaled to you previously, we were sent to Geneva by our employer to discuss matters of great import. Much discussion indeed took place:

EuroTrash: Bonsoir monsieur! Nous avons un reservation pour l’Hotel Cornavin. [please note our concerted attempt at speaking française!]
Taxi Driver: Sure. So are you here for work? For meetings and conferences?
EuroTrash: Why yes!
Taxi Driver: Everyone here just talks. You think your talking will save the world huh?
EuroTrash: Hmmf. Just take us to the hotel.

Despite this lack of confidence from le taxi driver, our discussions were indeed rich and fruitful… but what concerns us here, dear reader, is not what took place in meeting rooms. Rather, we are certain that you are veritably chomping at the equine-influenza-infected bit to discover what gems and treasures we discovered outside of the meeting rooms!

Geneva is a lovely town indeed; quite charming and aesthetically pleasing, as was the captain of this boat:



We gladly paid our sum of 35 gazillion Swiss Francs to have him take us for ride. And indeed we rode well together. At least that’s the sort of image that was occupying our mind as we sailed past the lovely lakefront; houses that once belonged to Famouspeoplewhowehaveneverheardof; and all of the buildings that form the homes of various international organisations.

Do you see? It is very lovely.

However, as we wondered wide-eyed through the streets of Geneva, we were struck by an odd sense of deep familiarity… And then it struck us! Geneva is EXACTLY LIKE CANBERRA! Yes! Be amazed at this series of uncanny at a stretch of the imagination coincidences!

Both Geneva and Canberra are built around lakes!

Both Geneva and Canberra have big phallic water jets!

Both Geneva and Canberra have carousels in their town centres!

There are dogs in both Geneva and Canberra!

Both Geneva and Canberra have lovely old houses in their suburbs!

Startling coincidences you would have to agree.

However, once our amazement at the Geneva-Canberra similarities started to wear off, we knew it was time to hit the road.

And indeed we did!

A car was hired and we drove down through France, underneath Mont Blanc and into our spiritual home, Italy!! Hip hip hooray!

Our destination was clear. Lake Como.

Our purpose had been much talked about and we faced it with greater resolve than ever before: to stalk, hunt and marry George Clooney.

Unfortunately, we strayed from our task upon arriving in Bellagio, the town where George lives. We were utterly amazed at the visual pollution that burned our retinas! In this beautiful little town:

These people dared descend!!!

Fashion should not be shredded and torn off in the car door. The middle picture requires little explaining. And the last lady, well, we doubt she has heard of ye olde maxim of 'Fake tan and a gold lame padded handbag an outfit doth not make".

Oh! We felt positively faint with disgust and loathing. How dare these people tread where our dear George lives!

Our search high and low continued for Our George… until we turned a corner, stumbled into a narrow alley and THERE HE WAS!

One half of EuroTrash was snapped getting cosy with George in the gardens of the Bellagio Library:

The other half of EuroTrash sparked worldwide scandal after the paparazzi took this snap, following which George’s reputation was besmirched for all eternity and EuroTrash was left pregnant and alone.

As we left Bellagio, and our hearts yearned and pined for George, the only way we were able to console ourselves was to drive across Switzerland to visit the principality of Liechtenstein. We were instructed to visit the following intriguingly titled museum:

We thought that surely it’s not what we suspect… but when we saw what was on display directly outside the museum;

We went scurrying from Liechtenstein [but not before having our passports stamped at the tourist office].

After such a day of leaving our fabled future with George behind, and being scarred by bronze-breasted behemoths, only one thing could lift our spirits: cultural insensitivity. Driving across the length of Switzerland, we were beset with the giggles as we zipped past: Fuchsberg; a car covered with signs for the website http://www.fuchsof.ch/; Bern-Wankdorf and the delightfully named locality: Bern-Bumplïz.

Oh please!

Adieu nos amis,

EuroTrash.

Trash back on board!

Apologies, dear reader, for having abandoned you so.

We have, unforunately, become just so slightly addicted to this website... However, we do fully intend to satiate your desire for more trash and will be back on line wholeheartedly once again in the not-too-distant future!

What indeed prompted our return to this humble site was three-fold:

(1) She of Channel Ten News, impersonating an East German transexual!

We were momentarily stunned tonight when we had the telebox on and the Channel Ten late night news rolled on through, and the doyenne of faux pas-es bumbled on to our screen. Yes, whilst Sandra Sully was telling is that a potential tsunami was to hit our shores tonight and devastate the coasts ravaged by a tsunami only 3.5 years ago, all we could think of was:

Golly gosh, Sandra's hair is getting mightily big these days (unfortunately not adequately demonstrated in this picture)

[and then add in extra hair flick which was viewed on our screen tonight]... and you get this:

And then, it's only one short step to this:

YES! This is Hedwig - lead character of Hedwig and the Angry Inch: a brilliant musical about the misfortune of Hedwig, formerly a young East German boy who tried to become a woman out of love for an American soldier; Hedwig later ended up a rock star in the back blocks of Kansas leading others to stardom. Brilliant. It really is. We do encourage you to see it. However, it does raise our suspicions (again!) that Sandra Sully really is a man!!

(2) A certain musical genius introducing us to the world of SCHLAGER!

Yes dear reader, this kind gent came to our place the other eve and shared with us his passion for schlager and made us love him so - he showed us a whole new world, shining shimmering splendid... He popped our schlager cherry and showed us the kind of fabulous, magical pop music that is generated by the wonderful land of SWEDEN. Good times.

From our thorough introduction to this cultural artform, we have deduced the following.

If you wish to succeed in Swedish pop, THIS implement will assist you greatly:

Yes! A hair straightener is all you need!! One application with this implement, and your hot blonde locks will get you looking like this:

Beware!!

(3) EuroTrash will VERY SOON be back on European soil!

Yes indeed, EuroTrash's employer is (foolishly) sending us back to Europe for working purposes! We shall be there for just over a week or so, but much will be achieved - the highlight of which is the anticipated stalking of a major Hollywood star who now lives in Europe... and we are certainly hoping that he is now a bisexual polygamist so that he may marry several of us (of both genders) simultaneously!

We mean, that he marries us simultaneously - not that we are of several genders simultaneously on an individual basis.

And that, pathetically, is all EuroTrash has to offer for now, gentle reader. We do thank you for your patience; stay tuned for ACTUAL European adventures SOON!

Yours,

-EuroTrash.

PS: Adding 'Sitemeter' to our little ole blogspot has been quite revealing indeed! Whilst our entry on Jordan/Katie Price has remained up on the front page of this site, we have found that the OVERWHELMING number of visitors to this page have been people searching on Google for "Katie Price Love Heart Tattoo".

Oh dear.

Sex Porn Lesbian Gay Smear Spooge Smadge Flaps XXX Britney-Comeback Minge Boutros-Boutros-Ghali Pubic

Hmm. Perhaps these words will assist in generating more hits to this page. Oh yes, we freely admit that we are a site-hits whore.

Adieu - see you in a few days, in SWITZERLAND!