23 July 2007

Screeeeech!! Crash!!

One fateful evening back in late May, we flicked on late night television and found this:

The Miss universe Pageant!!!!! Hip hip hooray! We were so pleased. We even witnessed this spectacular performance by Miss USA:

Despite this and other memorable moments, what really intrigued EuroTrash was the person seen at the very start of the above clip...

Did you recognise the washed up ex-sitcom star who was hosting the show?

"But I wasn't hosting the show!"

Oh, That-Fat-Kid-From-Hey-Dad, no it wasn't you. You can go back to knocking on doors now.

No! It was one Mario Lopez who was hosting Miss Universe! He of Saved By The Bell fame!!!!!! Remember that show?

It was the show that launched careers and catapaulted its stars to the heady heights of celebrity! As we've seen, Mario Lopez went on to host beauty pageants! Elizabeth Berkley went on to make Showgirls! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen changed her name to Tiffani Thiessen, we suspect in some thinly veiled attempt to become a "serious" actor! Lark Voorhies (who??!) went on to do nothing really! Mark Paul Gosselaar is apparently a champion cyclist, pilot and race car driver. And still gets the satisfaction out of having an unpronounceable set of two double letters in his surname.

The show, Saved By The Bell, was so incredibly popular that Dennis Haskins, the actor who played the role of the Principal, Mr Belding has admitted that he has found it hard to find work as he is constantly typecast as Mr Belding. His impressive skill set as an actor does still however remain in high demand - Haskins recently paid a visit to Titusville High School in Pennsylvania to speak with its drama club. Yes.

But this leads us to one central actor from SBTB that we haven't revisited yet.

"Me! Me! Me!"

Screech. Oh Screech. This was a role that actor Dustin Diamond clung on to desperately for almost thirteen years! He kept on keeping on through every single reincarnation of Saved By The Bell. What has poor Dustin Diamond done with himself since leaving behind the hallowed halls of Bayside High?

We endeavour to present this to you in picture format as we are not yet quite ready to put this down in words:

And then, add the final step...

Oh good god! Our mind cannot comprehend! Screech grew up and got himself a beard, went on to beg for money to save his house, and has now made a porn video! It is evocatively titled: "Screeched: Saved By The Smell". As if the world hadn't had enough of seeing other 'celebrities' bits!!

Now Screech will forever be known as the Dirty Sanchez Man (can you believe that Dirty Sanchez even has its own entry in Wikipedia??):

Oh Screech. Hearing about you and the "blue jelly double dong" was like being told that Santa Claus wasn't real! Our innocence has been shattered!!!

Screech: you are trash. Trash in a bad way. Not trash in a good Jocelyn Wildenstein kind of way:

"Mmm hmm honey that's right - you bad trash!"

You should use your child-star powers for good and not for evil!!

Let's just hope that little Nikki Webster doesn't follow your example... I really wouldn't want to see an adults-only reinterpretation of her biggest "hit".

"Nikki Grows Up: A Strawberry Kiss" perhaps??

You may vomit now.

12 July 2007

TrashTV: Science of Love

With the Bridget Jones-esque tragicomedy that is our romantic life spiralling rapidly into depths unfathomable, our interest was indeed piqued when the telebox was switched on this very eve and Anna Koren, of Today Tonight treachery, told us that a science magazine held the solution to all of our woes.

According to the Today Tonight website, here are the "lab tested top tips into finding your soul mate":

Tip One: Flaunt your fragrance
That's right. Gents, when at the local drinking establishment, should you spy the potential love of your life - or potential quick poke - just duck into le chambre du piss and grab yourself a sachet of Wipe On Sex Appeal. Yum! Irresistible!

Tip Two: Exhibit your physique
By simply purchasing clothing that is at least three sizes too small, your corporeal glory will indeed be exhibited to all who feel compelled to stare! Nothing says "I'm lovable" more than the ability to turn a pair of shorts into a codpiece.


Tip Three: Socially lubricate
We are told that this means enjoying an alcoholic beverage whilst chatting with new acquaintances in order to give an impression of sociability.

Needless to say, we will not be going to a bar and slathering a stranger up in KY jelly in a friendly way whilst chatting about the weather.

At least, not again.

Tip Four: Make people laugh
"What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?"
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't have a Mercedes in my garage"
"You're sick"
"What's the difference between a horse-drawn carriage and a miscarriage?"
"Oh god. You're a psycho."
"You can't eat a horse-drawn carriage"
"I'm going to vomit"
"Love me. Please."

See? We consider ourselves funny. Why haven't our pick up lines worked so far?

Tip Five: Talk with your body
We do consider ourselves fluent in body english.

This man is saying "Do you come here often? I do. Come. Often. Feed me"

And so to wrap up the insightful scientific offerings, the Today Tonight website offers the following closing piece of, very specific and precise, advice:

"There may be many perfect matches and depending on where we look and how we behave and the culture we live in we might be lucky enough to meet who will be perfect for us"

So THAT'S it! Here we are, living a 9 to 5 existence in an Australian city. If only we were a bulimic transgender anarchist pygmy living in a tent in Tuscaloosa, Alabama we may just have the chance to meet the one of our dreams!

Oh Today Tonight. You are so bile-inducingly awful; every time we happen to see your efforts at "journalism" we feel like gnawing our own face off in frustration.

How we love to hate you so!

We salute you Today Tonight.

05 July 2007

TrashBag: Jordan... A Postscript

We just had to share with you gentle reader.

Our flatmate just watched the clip of Jordan and Peter singing A Whole New World.

She said, "As an aid worker, I have seen children living in poverty. I have seen death. But I have never seen anything like that. What I am really saying is that this clip is worse than death".

And there you have it.

Do watch it.

TrashBag: Jordan

Light holiday reading as purchased in Heathrow Airport: A Whole New World by Katie Price/Jordan.

Being an aficionado of Trash, we were highly excited to spy this said literary tome and felt wholly compelled to purchase it, despite knowing very well that our own purchase would go towards fuelling the fake tan of Peter Andre.

If you are reading this, we do presumptuously assume that you are, gorgeous reader, similarly acquainted with who Jordan is. If not, well you know what Wikipedia is for. Jordan began her "career" as a page-3 'glamour' girl in the UK tabloids and is best known for her outrageously huge silicon-jammed knockers. She is pure trash:

And so we love her.

This so-called "book" is purportedly an "autobiography".

Rather, we would call it a ranting rave against ex-lovers whilst saying ner-ner because she is now with Peter Andre who apparently has a massive throbbing member, which is "less acorn sized, more of an oak size!" and is also described as "dickalicious". So there.

After promptly throwing up all over our designer duvet, we continued reading and this "book" did indeed prove to be a page turner; but only because with each page, our incredulity that it had even been published in the first place, grew and grew.

Much like Peter Andre's oak-sized thingo apparently.

Why did we like this "book"?

Relish the following concepts:

On preparing for birth, Katie writes: "The nurse told me I might need to shave down there and I replied 'Don't worry, it's bald as a badger!' I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo. So I was basically ready to go!"

On true love: "I felt so close to Pete [on our honeymoon] and so in love that I felt so totally myself with him and totally relaxed. It may sound like a little thing, but I think you girls will understand - Pete is the only man I have ever let see me without my hair extensions in. I know that he loves me for myself, not just what I look like".

On joining her new husband in a music career: "In November 2005... I sang live on Children in Need and I finally proved to everyone that I could sing and I hadn't just been bullshitting!... It meant so much to me because 'A Whole New World' was our wedding song, and I was singing it with the love of my life".

Jordan and Peter Andre singing? Wow. Witness the glory here! Behold! You simply must watch and listen through the entire clip. It is slightly less horrific than slitting your wrists:

And how could we not love a woman who decides to get married dressed like this?

Ah Jordan/Katie Price. How we love thee. And the fact that you are now married to Peter Andre. We are sure that you certainly deserve each other.

And what's more, unexpected link to our other infatuation: EUROVISION!!!

Ms Jordan/Katie Price was almost the UK's entry to Eurovision. Again, YouTube holds all the answers. Have a look at this and just enjoy/weep/laugh hysterically:

What else could we possibly write after that??


Signing off,