TrashTV: Science of Love

With the Bridget Jones-esque tragicomedy that is our romantic life spiralling rapidly into depths unfathomable, our interest was indeed piqued when the telebox was switched on this very eve and Anna Koren, of Today Tonight treachery, told us that a science magazine held the solution to all of our woes.

According to the Today Tonight website, here are the "lab tested top tips into finding your soul mate":

Tip One: Flaunt your fragrance
That's right. Gents, when at the local drinking establishment, should you spy the potential love of your life - or potential quick poke - just duck into le chambre du piss and grab yourself a sachet of Wipe On Sex Appeal. Yum! Irresistible!


Tip Two: Exhibit your physique
By simply purchasing clothing that is at least three sizes too small, your corporeal glory will indeed be exhibited to all who feel compelled to stare! Nothing says "I'm lovable" more than the ability to turn a pair of shorts into a codpiece.

Hot!

Tip Three: Socially lubricate
We are told that this means enjoying an alcoholic beverage whilst chatting with new acquaintances in order to give an impression of sociability.

Needless to say, we will not be going to a bar and slathering a stranger up in KY jelly in a friendly way whilst chatting about the weather.

At least, not again.

Tip Four: Make people laugh
"What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?"
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't have a Mercedes in my garage"
"You're sick"
"What's the difference between a horse-drawn carriage and a miscarriage?"
"Oh god. You're a psycho."
"You can't eat a horse-drawn carriage"
"I'm going to vomit"
"Love me. Please."

See? We consider ourselves funny. Why haven't our pick up lines worked so far?

Tip Five: Talk with your body
We do consider ourselves fluent in body english.



This man is saying "Do you come here often? I do. Come. Often. Feed me"


And so to wrap up the insightful scientific offerings, the Today Tonight website offers the following closing piece of, very specific and precise, advice:

"There may be many perfect matches and depending on where we look and how we behave and the culture we live in we might be lucky enough to meet who will be perfect for us"

So THAT'S it! Here we are, living a 9 to 5 existence in an Australian city. If only we were a bulimic transgender anarchist pygmy living in a tent in Tuscaloosa, Alabama we may just have the chance to meet the one of our dreams!

Oh Today Tonight. You are so bile-inducingly awful; every time we happen to see your efforts at "journalism" we feel like gnawing our own face off in frustration.

How we love to hate you so!

We salute you Today Tonight.