Being an aficionado of Trash, we were highly excited to spy this said literary tome and felt wholly compelled to purchase it, despite knowing very well that our own purchase would go towards fuelling the fake tan of Peter Andre.
If you are reading this, we do presumptuously assume that you are, gorgeous reader, similarly acquainted with who Jordan is. If not, well you know what Wikipedia is for. Jordan began her "career" as a page-3 'glamour' girl in the UK tabloids and is best known for her outrageously huge silicon-jammed knockers. She is pure trash:
And so we love her.
This so-called "book" is purportedly an "autobiography".
Rather, we would call it a ranting rave against ex-lovers whilst saying ner-ner because she is now with Peter Andre who apparently has a massive throbbing member, which is "less acorn sized, more of an oak size!" and is also described as "dickalicious". So there.
After promptly throwing up all over our designer duvet, we continued reading and this "book" did indeed prove to be a page turner; but only because with each page, our incredulity that it had even been published in the first place, grew and grew.
Much like Peter Andre's oak-sized thingo apparently.
Why did we like this "book"?
Relish the following concepts:
On preparing for birth, Katie writes: "The nurse told me I might need to shave down there and I replied 'Don't worry, it's bald as a badger!' I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo. So I was basically ready to go!"
On true love: "I felt so close to Pete [on our honeymoon] and so in love that I felt so totally myself with him and totally relaxed. It may sound like a little thing, but I think you girls will understand - Pete is the only man I have ever let see me without my hair extensions in. I know that he loves me for myself, not just what I look like".
On joining her new husband in a music career: "In November 2005... I sang live on Children in Need and I finally proved to everyone that I could sing and I hadn't just been bullshitting!... It meant so much to me because 'A Whole New World' was our wedding song, and I was singing it with the love of my life".
Jordan and Peter Andre singing? Wow. Witness the glory here! Behold! You simply must watch and listen through the entire clip. It is slightly less horrific than slitting your wrists:
And how could we not love a woman who decides to get married dressed like this?
Ah Jordan/Katie Price. How we love thee. And the fact that you are now married to Peter Andre. We are sure that you certainly deserve each other.
And what's more, unexpected link to our other infatuation: EUROVISION!!!
Ms Jordan/Katie Price was almost the UK's entry to Eurovision. Again, YouTube holds all the answers. Have a look at this and just enjoy/weep/laugh hysterically:
What else could we possibly write after that??
Simply:
Signing off,
-EuroTrash.
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