Trash back on board!

Apologies, dear reader, for having abandoned you so.

We have, unforunately, become just so slightly addicted to this website... However, we do fully intend to satiate your desire for more trash and will be back on line wholeheartedly once again in the not-too-distant future!

What indeed prompted our return to this humble site was three-fold:

(1) She of Channel Ten News, impersonating an East German transexual!

We were momentarily stunned tonight when we had the telebox on and the Channel Ten late night news rolled on through, and the doyenne of faux pas-es bumbled on to our screen. Yes, whilst Sandra Sully was telling is that a potential tsunami was to hit our shores tonight and devastate the coasts ravaged by a tsunami only 3.5 years ago, all we could think of was:

Golly gosh, Sandra's hair is getting mightily big these days (unfortunately not adequately demonstrated in this picture)

[and then add in extra hair flick which was viewed on our screen tonight]... and you get this:

And then, it's only one short step to this:

YES! This is Hedwig - lead character of Hedwig and the Angry Inch: a brilliant musical about the misfortune of Hedwig, formerly a young East German boy who tried to become a woman out of love for an American soldier; Hedwig later ended up a rock star in the back blocks of Kansas leading others to stardom. Brilliant. It really is. We do encourage you to see it. However, it does raise our suspicions (again!) that Sandra Sully really is a man!!

(2) A certain musical genius introducing us to the world of SCHLAGER!

Yes dear reader, this kind gent came to our place the other eve and shared with us his passion for schlager and made us love him so - he showed us a whole new world, shining shimmering splendid... He popped our schlager cherry and showed us the kind of fabulous, magical pop music that is generated by the wonderful land of SWEDEN. Good times.

From our thorough introduction to this cultural artform, we have deduced the following.

If you wish to succeed in Swedish pop, THIS implement will assist you greatly:

Yes! A hair straightener is all you need!! One application with this implement, and your hot blonde locks will get you looking like this:

Beware!!

(3) EuroTrash will VERY SOON be back on European soil!

Yes indeed, EuroTrash's employer is (foolishly) sending us back to Europe for working purposes! We shall be there for just over a week or so, but much will be achieved - the highlight of which is the anticipated stalking of a major Hollywood star who now lives in Europe... and we are certainly hoping that he is now a bisexual polygamist so that he may marry several of us (of both genders) simultaneously!

We mean, that he marries us simultaneously - not that we are of several genders simultaneously on an individual basis.

And that, pathetically, is all EuroTrash has to offer for now, gentle reader. We do thank you for your patience; stay tuned for ACTUAL European adventures SOON!

Yours,

-EuroTrash.

PS: Adding 'Sitemeter' to our little ole blogspot has been quite revealing indeed! Whilst our entry on Jordan/Katie Price has remained up on the front page of this site, we have found that the OVERWHELMING number of visitors to this page have been people searching on Google for "Katie Price Love Heart Tattoo".

Oh dear.

Sex Porn Lesbian Gay Smear Spooge Smadge Flaps XXX Britney-Comeback Minge Boutros-Boutros-Ghali Pubic

Hmm. Perhaps these words will assist in generating more hits to this page. Oh yes, we freely admit that we are a site-hits whore.

Adieu - see you in a few days, in SWITZERLAND!

Screeeeech!! Crash!!

One fateful evening back in late May, we flicked on late night television and found this:



The Miss universe Pageant!!!!! Hip hip hooray! We were so pleased. We even witnessed this spectacular performance by Miss USA:



Despite this and other memorable moments, what really intrigued EuroTrash was the person seen at the very start of the above clip...

Did you recognise the washed up ex-sitcom star who was hosting the show?












"But I wasn't hosting the show!"

Oh, That-Fat-Kid-From-Hey-Dad, no it wasn't you. You can go back to knocking on doors now.

No! It was one Mario Lopez who was hosting Miss Universe! He of Saved By The Bell fame!!!!!! Remember that show?



It was the show that launched careers and catapaulted its stars to the heady heights of celebrity! As we've seen, Mario Lopez went on to host beauty pageants! Elizabeth Berkley went on to make Showgirls! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen changed her name to Tiffani Thiessen, we suspect in some thinly veiled attempt to become a "serious" actor! Lark Voorhies (who??!) went on to do nothing really! Mark Paul Gosselaar is apparently a champion cyclist, pilot and race car driver. And still gets the satisfaction out of having an unpronounceable set of two double letters in his surname.

The show, Saved By The Bell, was so incredibly popular that Dennis Haskins, the actor who played the role of the Principal, Mr Belding has admitted that he has found it hard to find work as he is constantly typecast as Mr Belding. His impressive skill set as an actor does still however remain in high demand - Haskins recently paid a visit to Titusville High School in Pennsylvania to speak with its drama club. Yes.

But this leads us to one central actor from SBTB that we haven't revisited yet.












"Me! Me! Me!"

Screech. Oh Screech. This was a role that actor Dustin Diamond clung on to desperately for almost thirteen years! He kept on keeping on through every single reincarnation of Saved By The Bell. What has poor Dustin Diamond done with himself since leaving behind the hallowed halls of Bayside High?

We endeavour to present this to you in picture format as we are not yet quite ready to put this down in words:




And then, add the final step...




Oh good god! Our mind cannot comprehend! Screech grew up and got himself a beard, went on to beg for money to save his house, and has now made a porn video! It is evocatively titled: "Screeched: Saved By The Smell". As if the world hadn't had enough of seeing other 'celebrities' bits!!

Now Screech will forever be known as the Dirty Sanchez Man (can you believe that Dirty Sanchez even has its own entry in Wikipedia??):



Oh Screech. Hearing about you and the "blue jelly double dong" was like being told that Santa Claus wasn't real! Our innocence has been shattered!!!

Screech: you are trash. Trash in a bad way. Not trash in a good Jocelyn Wildenstein kind of way:


"Mmm hmm honey that's right - you bad trash!"

You should use your child-star powers for good and not for evil!!

Let's just hope that little Nikki Webster doesn't follow your example... I really wouldn't want to see an adults-only reinterpretation of her biggest "hit".

"Nikki Grows Up: A Strawberry Kiss" perhaps??



You may vomit now.

TrashTV: Science of Love

With the Bridget Jones-esque tragicomedy that is our romantic life spiralling rapidly into depths unfathomable, our interest was indeed piqued when the telebox was switched on this very eve and Anna Koren, of Today Tonight treachery, told us that a science magazine held the solution to all of our woes.

According to the Today Tonight website, here are the "lab tested top tips into finding your soul mate":

Tip One: Flaunt your fragrance
That's right. Gents, when at the local drinking establishment, should you spy the potential love of your life - or potential quick poke - just duck into le chambre du piss and grab yourself a sachet of Wipe On Sex Appeal. Yum! Irresistible!


Tip Two: Exhibit your physique
By simply purchasing clothing that is at least three sizes too small, your corporeal glory will indeed be exhibited to all who feel compelled to stare! Nothing says "I'm lovable" more than the ability to turn a pair of shorts into a codpiece.

Hot!

Tip Three: Socially lubricate
We are told that this means enjoying an alcoholic beverage whilst chatting with new acquaintances in order to give an impression of sociability.

Needless to say, we will not be going to a bar and slathering a stranger up in KY jelly in a friendly way whilst chatting about the weather.

At least, not again.

Tip Four: Make people laugh
"What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?"
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't have a Mercedes in my garage"
"You're sick"
"What's the difference between a horse-drawn carriage and a miscarriage?"
"Oh god. You're a psycho."
"You can't eat a horse-drawn carriage"
"I'm going to vomit"
"Love me. Please."

See? We consider ourselves funny. Why haven't our pick up lines worked so far?

Tip Five: Talk with your body
We do consider ourselves fluent in body english.



This man is saying "Do you come here often? I do. Come. Often. Feed me"


And so to wrap up the insightful scientific offerings, the Today Tonight website offers the following closing piece of, very specific and precise, advice:

"There may be many perfect matches and depending on where we look and how we behave and the culture we live in we might be lucky enough to meet who will be perfect for us"

So THAT'S it! Here we are, living a 9 to 5 existence in an Australian city. If only we were a bulimic transgender anarchist pygmy living in a tent in Tuscaloosa, Alabama we may just have the chance to meet the one of our dreams!

Oh Today Tonight. You are so bile-inducingly awful; every time we happen to see your efforts at "journalism" we feel like gnawing our own face off in frustration.

How we love to hate you so!

We salute you Today Tonight.

TrashBag: Jordan... A Postscript

We just had to share with you gentle reader.

Our flatmate just watched the clip of Jordan and Peter singing A Whole New World.

She said, "As an aid worker, I have seen children living in poverty. I have seen death. But I have never seen anything like that. What I am really saying is that this clip is worse than death".

And there you have it.

Do watch it.

TrashBag: Jordan

Light holiday reading as purchased in Heathrow Airport: A Whole New World by Katie Price/Jordan.



Being an aficionado of Trash, we were highly excited to spy this said literary tome and felt wholly compelled to purchase it, despite knowing very well that our own purchase would go towards fuelling the fake tan of Peter Andre.

If you are reading this, we do presumptuously assume that you are, gorgeous reader, similarly acquainted with who Jordan is. If not, well you know what Wikipedia is for. Jordan began her "career" as a page-3 'glamour' girl in the UK tabloids and is best known for her outrageously huge silicon-jammed knockers. She is pure trash:



And so we love her.

This so-called "book" is purportedly an "autobiography".

Rather, we would call it a ranting rave against ex-lovers whilst saying ner-ner because she is now with Peter Andre who apparently has a massive throbbing member, which is "less acorn sized, more of an oak size!" and is also described as "dickalicious". So there.

After promptly throwing up all over our designer duvet, we continued reading and this "book" did indeed prove to be a page turner; but only because with each page, our incredulity that it had even been published in the first place, grew and grew.

Much like Peter Andre's oak-sized thingo apparently.

Why did we like this "book"?

Relish the following concepts:

On preparing for birth, Katie writes: "The nurse told me I might need to shave down there and I replied 'Don't worry, it's bald as a badger!' I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo. So I was basically ready to go!"

On true love: "I felt so close to Pete [on our honeymoon] and so in love that I felt so totally myself with him and totally relaxed. It may sound like a little thing, but I think you girls will understand - Pete is the only man I have ever let see me without my hair extensions in. I know that he loves me for myself, not just what I look like".

On joining her new husband in a music career: "In November 2005... I sang live on Children in Need and I finally proved to everyone that I could sing and I hadn't just been bullshitting!... It meant so much to me because 'A Whole New World' was our wedding song, and I was singing it with the love of my life".

Jordan and Peter Andre singing? Wow. Witness the glory here! Behold! You simply must watch and listen through the entire clip. It is slightly less horrific than slitting your wrists:



And how could we not love a woman who decides to get married dressed like this?



Ah Jordan/Katie Price. How we love thee. And the fact that you are now married to Peter Andre. We are sure that you certainly deserve each other.

And what's more, unexpected link to our other infatuation: EUROVISION!!!

Ms Jordan/Katie Price was almost the UK's entry to Eurovision. Again, YouTube holds all the answers. Have a look at this and just enjoy/weep/laugh hysterically:



What else could we possibly write after that??

Simply:

Signing off,
-EuroTrash.

The Vision of Europe

Well well well.

Here we are so many moons after the event, but we are finally able to tell you about the amazing experience that was Eurovision! Ah the Eurovision times...

Let us now cast our minds back and recount all that was!

So.

Where to begin? At the very beginning because after all, that is a very good place to start we suppose.

Arrival in Helsinki was an exciting event indeed - the festive atmosphere was palpable with banners across the city heralding the arrival of the greatest show on earth and carloads of sane Finns escaping town as it was steadily invaded by Europhiles, dags and gays.




As soon as we hit the ground in Helsinki, we tizzied ourselves up and made a dash across to Hartwall Arena in order to attend the semi final of Eurovision. Some folk we know have asked us many times why we decided to get tickets for the semi final rather than the final. We gleefully remind them that the best thing about Eurovision is that it is CRAP. Yes, it is crap; but that is why we love it so. And, the semi final is the cesspit of Eurovision where non-qualified countries must out-shine and out-wind-machine eachother for the glory of taking part in the grand final.

What were we subjected to whilst witnessing this spectacle? Too many things for us to be bothered writing about highlights to recount here (besides, we do trust that you, dear faithful reader, did indeed watch the broadcast on television), but for your delight, here is the cream of the crop that had our thighs positively wobbling wildly with excitement!:

Israel:

Our thighs were wobbling not so much from the craptasticness of this act; rather we wobbled out of fear that some nemesis of the Israeli state would actually 'push the button' and seek retribution by blowing up the arena during a live broadcast!

Belarus:
True; the staging was quite inventive and creative with the back up folk appearing to stick to a solid white wall. However, the most impressive thing was something completely unrelated to the song. Flying from Copenhagen to Helsinki, we were passed a complimentary newspaper by the stern looking Scandinavian air hotess. It was in Finnish, and so was totally unreadable to us. Looking at the pictures though, we were highly amused to see the newspaper point out THIS comparison between the Belarussian competitor and another, slightly more, famous personality:



Reincarnation as a Eurovision popette. Surely the penultimate step before Nirvana.


Denmark: Sequins! Feathers! Dancing men! We thought it was a Kylie show. But no, it was a Danish male hairdresser in stockings and high heels. This is what Eurovision is all about.

Poland: Seiously, this was hot hot hot! Cages, funky music, it was very Fergielicious. This song should have certainly made it through to the final, but then again, that's Eurovision!



Norway: A Scandinavian foxy old minx singing a Spanish-inspired song with the gayest back up dancers ever in this history of the world. And to top that all off, she changes costume THREE TIMES in the space of three minutes flat. Witness the glory!



Now, after all of that excitement in the arena, we were highly surprised to find ourselves amongst controversy - all 10 semi finalists to go through to the final were *shock horror!* Eastern European!!! The crowd erupted in boos and hisses!! Sure, some of the songs to get through were legitimately well performed - but hey, aren't the Western European countries meant to be culturally, economically and socially superior?? (Maybe it was their cultural snobbery that made them not watch the semi final and vote for their favourite!!)

Anyway, with the semi final done with, it was a long-awaited count down to the big finale - Saturday night, 14 May 2007. What a glorious day that was!

EuroTrash was indeed well prepared and arrived at Senate Square around 3pm - with only 7 hours to spare until the start of the show!!

(Side note: we are indeed glad though that we arrived that early, for we witnessed two stupendous Finnish acts that we are now committed fans of: REGINA and TUOMO - two fantastic acts that you should definitely have a listen to!!)

As the sun made its ever-slow slink towards the horizon (well, it did set at 11pm!) the crowds poured into Senate Square and the anticipation grew to true FEVER PITCH! Flags were waving; faces were painted; people were getting hideously drunk! Hurrah! Everything we'd hoped for Eurovision and more!





The show started and we were not disappointed! As each country was announed, the posse who'd come to Finland to proudly wave the flag jumped up and gave their loudest shout. EuroTrash did not miss the opportunity though, and proudly waved the Australian flag in the vain hope that one day, maybe just one day, Australia too could compete in Eurovision. Well, if the rules technically say that Lebanon and Morocco could compete if they want to, then why not Australia? We did receive many messages of encouragement from fellow Eurovision enthusiasts...

As the night progressed, at some time around midnight Helsinki time, the absolute pinnacle of our existence came to pass.

As act number 18 pranced out on stage, we thought we would pass out with pure delight, and from lack of oxygen given that we were screaming non-stop at full throttle.

Behold: Verka Serduchka!





Now THIS is Eurovision!!

To be quite frank, this is the most brilliant song. Ever. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. Look at it! There is a man-lady! There are shiny costumes! There is a key change! There are non-language-specific lyrics so you can sing along no matter where you are from! And to top it off, there are accordions! Although it is a travesty that this did not win, it came a very respectable second place behind the Serbian version of a short stumpy k.d. Lang. If you have not seen Verka doing his (her) thing, you are denying yourself the ultimate in Euro TRASH. We do love it indeed.



And so, as the sun rose again at 3am and the crowds began to thin, the almost-post-coital glow from having seen Eurovision in situ began to fade with the sad realisation that the party had already moved on from Finland, all the way down to next year's host country...

GOODBYE FINLAND! HELLO SERBIA!


And it is here, at this point, that EuroTrash left the 'Euro' behind and just simply remained 'Trash'. Flying across the globe on the way home to Australia, that niggling feeling started immediately - desperately wanting to return to Europe again straight away!! And then, we were sent this clip by the gracious PGC which we did feel was a perfect summary of our holiday... Enjoy!




[Postscript: EuroTrash lives! Broadcasting from Our Nation's Capital, EuroTrash doth continue... and we are pleased to also report that EuroTrash will be back on European soil in September 2007... stay tuned!]

Auf Weidersehen,
Au revoir,
Arrivederci,

-EuroTrash.

Awful!

We ashamedly say hello to you dear reader!

Here we are, sitting in our lounge. It may be -300˚ in here, but heck, we're doing it with a wireless internet connection. Which means that all this time we have been happily surfing the interweb at a million miles an hour but not devoting any time to satiate your hunger and yearning for another post (can you feel an inflated ego in here?).

Please do feel free to administer a beating for punishment... but please stop once we are no longer enjoying it.