Oh deary me... the countdown begins again!

Heavens above! My goodness, dear reader, I did not expect to see you there! My oh my, how it warms the cockles of my heart to see you faithfully returning after I abandoned you so for many months now.

We have been busy generally saving lives (by email), and studying in order to fill our brain with uselessful knowledge in order to improve our standing in the world.

But lo! In just over one month's time, we are indeed glad to report that Eurotrash will be once again hitting the road - and this time, circumnavigating the globe! From 19 July we shall be leaving Sydney (running, screaming, away from Sydney as World Youth Day descends, some may say...) for the shores of the United States for the first time! We shall be visiting the land of the Golden Gate, followed by the heartland of the Midwest (!!) and on to La Pomme Grande.

Onwards from the Land of The Fre akin Weirdos e, we shall descend once more upon Scandinavia - alighting in Helsinki, home of the Eurotrash Pilgrimage of 2007, and then on to Stockholm and Oslo where we shall indeed be residing until December!

After finishing in Oslo, we shall be making our way across to Asia - visiting Tokyo, Singapore, Hong Kong, Manila, Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta before returning home to our fair city of Canberra. And real life.

It's going to be quite a journey, and we are certainly in for an enthralling ride... as will YOU be dear reader! Oh how excited I am to be bringing you along on this journey with us!! My thighs are trembling so violently with excitement that I fear they may soon slap me in the face.

Enough excitement for now - I must get back to pouring out all sorts of information from my head and onto the page in the form of a terribly exciting university essay.

Yawn.

Let the adventures begin!

With much love,

Eurotrash.

This aint trash...

But it's so damn cute it just had to come here for show and tell.

Behold! Uni the Hedgehog!

La vie en Europe, or, IFONLYGEORGECLOONEYWASABISEXUALPOLYGAMISTANDWOULDMARRYUS

Well hello there gentle reader, hello.

We are certain that your little heart went a-pitter-patter when sighting of this posting appeared on your computer screen.

For lo! we have not perished; nor have we (unfortunately) run off into the sunset with George Clooney never to be seen again.

Alas, alack, we are indeed returned to Canberra, Our Fair Nation’s Capital, having enjoyed a marvellous (but condensed) romp around the various countrysides of Europe. As we have regaled to you previously, we were sent to Geneva by our employer to discuss matters of great import. Much discussion indeed took place:

EuroTrash: Bonsoir monsieur! Nous avons un reservation pour l’Hotel Cornavin. [please note our concerted attempt at speaking française!]
Taxi Driver: Sure. So are you here for work? For meetings and conferences?
EuroTrash: Why yes!
Taxi Driver: Everyone here just talks. You think your talking will save the world huh?
EuroTrash: Hmmf. Just take us to the hotel.

Despite this lack of confidence from le taxi driver, our discussions were indeed rich and fruitful… but what concerns us here, dear reader, is not what took place in meeting rooms. Rather, we are certain that you are veritably chomping at the equine-influenza-infected bit to discover what gems and treasures we discovered outside of the meeting rooms!

Geneva is a lovely town indeed; quite charming and aesthetically pleasing, as was the captain of this boat:



We gladly paid our sum of 35 gazillion Swiss Francs to have him take us for ride. And indeed we rode well together. At least that’s the sort of image that was occupying our mind as we sailed past the lovely lakefront; houses that once belonged to Famouspeoplewhowehaveneverheardof; and all of the buildings that form the homes of various international organisations.

Do you see? It is very lovely.

However, as we wondered wide-eyed through the streets of Geneva, we were struck by an odd sense of deep familiarity… And then it struck us! Geneva is EXACTLY LIKE CANBERRA! Yes! Be amazed at this series of uncanny at a stretch of the imagination coincidences!

Both Geneva and Canberra are built around lakes!

Both Geneva and Canberra have big phallic water jets!

Both Geneva and Canberra have carousels in their town centres!

There are dogs in both Geneva and Canberra!

Both Geneva and Canberra have lovely old houses in their suburbs!

Startling coincidences you would have to agree.

However, once our amazement at the Geneva-Canberra similarities started to wear off, we knew it was time to hit the road.

And indeed we did!

A car was hired and we drove down through France, underneath Mont Blanc and into our spiritual home, Italy!! Hip hip hooray!

Our destination was clear. Lake Como.

Our purpose had been much talked about and we faced it with greater resolve than ever before: to stalk, hunt and marry George Clooney.

Unfortunately, we strayed from our task upon arriving in Bellagio, the town where George lives. We were utterly amazed at the visual pollution that burned our retinas! In this beautiful little town:

These people dared descend!!!

Fashion should not be shredded and torn off in the car door. The middle picture requires little explaining. And the last lady, well, we doubt she has heard of ye olde maxim of 'Fake tan and a gold lame padded handbag an outfit doth not make".

Oh! We felt positively faint with disgust and loathing. How dare these people tread where our dear George lives!

Our search high and low continued for Our George… until we turned a corner, stumbled into a narrow alley and THERE HE WAS!

One half of EuroTrash was snapped getting cosy with George in the gardens of the Bellagio Library:

The other half of EuroTrash sparked worldwide scandal after the paparazzi took this snap, following which George’s reputation was besmirched for all eternity and EuroTrash was left pregnant and alone.

As we left Bellagio, and our hearts yearned and pined for George, the only way we were able to console ourselves was to drive across Switzerland to visit the principality of Liechtenstein. We were instructed to visit the following intriguingly titled museum:

We thought that surely it’s not what we suspect… but when we saw what was on display directly outside the museum;

We went scurrying from Liechtenstein [but not before having our passports stamped at the tourist office].

After such a day of leaving our fabled future with George behind, and being scarred by bronze-breasted behemoths, only one thing could lift our spirits: cultural insensitivity. Driving across the length of Switzerland, we were beset with the giggles as we zipped past: Fuchsberg; a car covered with signs for the website http://www.fuchsof.ch/; Bern-Wankdorf and the delightfully named locality: Bern-Bumplïz.

Oh please!

Adieu nos amis,

EuroTrash.

Trash back on board!

Apologies, dear reader, for having abandoned you so.

We have, unforunately, become just so slightly addicted to this website... However, we do fully intend to satiate your desire for more trash and will be back on line wholeheartedly once again in the not-too-distant future!

What indeed prompted our return to this humble site was three-fold:

(1) She of Channel Ten News, impersonating an East German transexual!

We were momentarily stunned tonight when we had the telebox on and the Channel Ten late night news rolled on through, and the doyenne of faux pas-es bumbled on to our screen. Yes, whilst Sandra Sully was telling is that a potential tsunami was to hit our shores tonight and devastate the coasts ravaged by a tsunami only 3.5 years ago, all we could think of was:

Golly gosh, Sandra's hair is getting mightily big these days (unfortunately not adequately demonstrated in this picture)

[and then add in extra hair flick which was viewed on our screen tonight]... and you get this:

And then, it's only one short step to this:

YES! This is Hedwig - lead character of Hedwig and the Angry Inch: a brilliant musical about the misfortune of Hedwig, formerly a young East German boy who tried to become a woman out of love for an American soldier; Hedwig later ended up a rock star in the back blocks of Kansas leading others to stardom. Brilliant. It really is. We do encourage you to see it. However, it does raise our suspicions (again!) that Sandra Sully really is a man!!

(2) A certain musical genius introducing us to the world of SCHLAGER!

Yes dear reader, this kind gent came to our place the other eve and shared with us his passion for schlager and made us love him so - he showed us a whole new world, shining shimmering splendid... He popped our schlager cherry and showed us the kind of fabulous, magical pop music that is generated by the wonderful land of SWEDEN. Good times.

From our thorough introduction to this cultural artform, we have deduced the following.

If you wish to succeed in Swedish pop, THIS implement will assist you greatly:

Yes! A hair straightener is all you need!! One application with this implement, and your hot blonde locks will get you looking like this:

Beware!!

(3) EuroTrash will VERY SOON be back on European soil!

Yes indeed, EuroTrash's employer is (foolishly) sending us back to Europe for working purposes! We shall be there for just over a week or so, but much will be achieved - the highlight of which is the anticipated stalking of a major Hollywood star who now lives in Europe... and we are certainly hoping that he is now a bisexual polygamist so that he may marry several of us (of both genders) simultaneously!

We mean, that he marries us simultaneously - not that we are of several genders simultaneously on an individual basis.

And that, pathetically, is all EuroTrash has to offer for now, gentle reader. We do thank you for your patience; stay tuned for ACTUAL European adventures SOON!

Yours,

-EuroTrash.

PS: Adding 'Sitemeter' to our little ole blogspot has been quite revealing indeed! Whilst our entry on Jordan/Katie Price has remained up on the front page of this site, we have found that the OVERWHELMING number of visitors to this page have been people searching on Google for "Katie Price Love Heart Tattoo".

Oh dear.

Sex Porn Lesbian Gay Smear Spooge Smadge Flaps XXX Britney-Comeback Minge Boutros-Boutros-Ghali Pubic

Hmm. Perhaps these words will assist in generating more hits to this page. Oh yes, we freely admit that we are a site-hits whore.

Adieu - see you in a few days, in SWITZERLAND!

Screeeeech!! Crash!!

One fateful evening back in late May, we flicked on late night television and found this:



The Miss universe Pageant!!!!! Hip hip hooray! We were so pleased. We even witnessed this spectacular performance by Miss USA:



Despite this and other memorable moments, what really intrigued EuroTrash was the person seen at the very start of the above clip...

Did you recognise the washed up ex-sitcom star who was hosting the show?












"But I wasn't hosting the show!"

Oh, That-Fat-Kid-From-Hey-Dad, no it wasn't you. You can go back to knocking on doors now.

No! It was one Mario Lopez who was hosting Miss Universe! He of Saved By The Bell fame!!!!!! Remember that show?



It was the show that launched careers and catapaulted its stars to the heady heights of celebrity! As we've seen, Mario Lopez went on to host beauty pageants! Elizabeth Berkley went on to make Showgirls! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen changed her name to Tiffani Thiessen, we suspect in some thinly veiled attempt to become a "serious" actor! Lark Voorhies (who??!) went on to do nothing really! Mark Paul Gosselaar is apparently a champion cyclist, pilot and race car driver. And still gets the satisfaction out of having an unpronounceable set of two double letters in his surname.

The show, Saved By The Bell, was so incredibly popular that Dennis Haskins, the actor who played the role of the Principal, Mr Belding has admitted that he has found it hard to find work as he is constantly typecast as Mr Belding. His impressive skill set as an actor does still however remain in high demand - Haskins recently paid a visit to Titusville High School in Pennsylvania to speak with its drama club. Yes.

But this leads us to one central actor from SBTB that we haven't revisited yet.












"Me! Me! Me!"

Screech. Oh Screech. This was a role that actor Dustin Diamond clung on to desperately for almost thirteen years! He kept on keeping on through every single reincarnation of Saved By The Bell. What has poor Dustin Diamond done with himself since leaving behind the hallowed halls of Bayside High?

We endeavour to present this to you in picture format as we are not yet quite ready to put this down in words:




And then, add the final step...




Oh good god! Our mind cannot comprehend! Screech grew up and got himself a beard, went on to beg for money to save his house, and has now made a porn video! It is evocatively titled: "Screeched: Saved By The Smell". As if the world hadn't had enough of seeing other 'celebrities' bits!!

Now Screech will forever be known as the Dirty Sanchez Man (can you believe that Dirty Sanchez even has its own entry in Wikipedia??):



Oh Screech. Hearing about you and the "blue jelly double dong" was like being told that Santa Claus wasn't real! Our innocence has been shattered!!!

Screech: you are trash. Trash in a bad way. Not trash in a good Jocelyn Wildenstein kind of way:


"Mmm hmm honey that's right - you bad trash!"

You should use your child-star powers for good and not for evil!!

Let's just hope that little Nikki Webster doesn't follow your example... I really wouldn't want to see an adults-only reinterpretation of her biggest "hit".

"Nikki Grows Up: A Strawberry Kiss" perhaps??



You may vomit now.

TrashTV: Science of Love

With the Bridget Jones-esque tragicomedy that is our romantic life spiralling rapidly into depths unfathomable, our interest was indeed piqued when the telebox was switched on this very eve and Anna Koren, of Today Tonight treachery, told us that a science magazine held the solution to all of our woes.

According to the Today Tonight website, here are the "lab tested top tips into finding your soul mate":

Tip One: Flaunt your fragrance
That's right. Gents, when at the local drinking establishment, should you spy the potential love of your life - or potential quick poke - just duck into le chambre du piss and grab yourself a sachet of Wipe On Sex Appeal. Yum! Irresistible!


Tip Two: Exhibit your physique
By simply purchasing clothing that is at least three sizes too small, your corporeal glory will indeed be exhibited to all who feel compelled to stare! Nothing says "I'm lovable" more than the ability to turn a pair of shorts into a codpiece.

Hot!

Tip Three: Socially lubricate
We are told that this means enjoying an alcoholic beverage whilst chatting with new acquaintances in order to give an impression of sociability.

Needless to say, we will not be going to a bar and slathering a stranger up in KY jelly in a friendly way whilst chatting about the weather.

At least, not again.

Tip Four: Make people laugh
"What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?"
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't have a Mercedes in my garage"
"You're sick"
"What's the difference between a horse-drawn carriage and a miscarriage?"
"Oh god. You're a psycho."
"You can't eat a horse-drawn carriage"
"I'm going to vomit"
"Love me. Please."

See? We consider ourselves funny. Why haven't our pick up lines worked so far?

Tip Five: Talk with your body
We do consider ourselves fluent in body english.



This man is saying "Do you come here often? I do. Come. Often. Feed me"


And so to wrap up the insightful scientific offerings, the Today Tonight website offers the following closing piece of, very specific and precise, advice:

"There may be many perfect matches and depending on where we look and how we behave and the culture we live in we might be lucky enough to meet who will be perfect for us"

So THAT'S it! Here we are, living a 9 to 5 existence in an Australian city. If only we were a bulimic transgender anarchist pygmy living in a tent in Tuscaloosa, Alabama we may just have the chance to meet the one of our dreams!

Oh Today Tonight. You are so bile-inducingly awful; every time we happen to see your efforts at "journalism" we feel like gnawing our own face off in frustration.

How we love to hate you so!

We salute you Today Tonight.

TrashBag: Jordan... A Postscript

We just had to share with you gentle reader.

Our flatmate just watched the clip of Jordan and Peter singing A Whole New World.

She said, "As an aid worker, I have seen children living in poverty. I have seen death. But I have never seen anything like that. What I am really saying is that this clip is worse than death".

And there you have it.

Do watch it.