TrashBag: Jordan

Light holiday reading as purchased in Heathrow Airport: A Whole New World by Katie Price/Jordan.



Being an aficionado of Trash, we were highly excited to spy this said literary tome and felt wholly compelled to purchase it, despite knowing very well that our own purchase would go towards fuelling the fake tan of Peter Andre.

If you are reading this, we do presumptuously assume that you are, gorgeous reader, similarly acquainted with who Jordan is. If not, well you know what Wikipedia is for. Jordan began her "career" as a page-3 'glamour' girl in the UK tabloids and is best known for her outrageously huge silicon-jammed knockers. She is pure trash:



And so we love her.

This so-called "book" is purportedly an "autobiography".

Rather, we would call it a ranting rave against ex-lovers whilst saying ner-ner because she is now with Peter Andre who apparently has a massive throbbing member, which is "less acorn sized, more of an oak size!" and is also described as "dickalicious". So there.

After promptly throwing up all over our designer duvet, we continued reading and this "book" did indeed prove to be a page turner; but only because with each page, our incredulity that it had even been published in the first place, grew and grew.

Much like Peter Andre's oak-sized thingo apparently.

Why did we like this "book"?

Relish the following concepts:

On preparing for birth, Katie writes: "The nurse told me I might need to shave down there and I replied 'Don't worry, it's bald as a badger!' I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo. So I was basically ready to go!"

On true love: "I felt so close to Pete [on our honeymoon] and so in love that I felt so totally myself with him and totally relaxed. It may sound like a little thing, but I think you girls will understand - Pete is the only man I have ever let see me without my hair extensions in. I know that he loves me for myself, not just what I look like".

On joining her new husband in a music career: "In November 2005... I sang live on Children in Need and I finally proved to everyone that I could sing and I hadn't just been bullshitting!... It meant so much to me because 'A Whole New World' was our wedding song, and I was singing it with the love of my life".

Jordan and Peter Andre singing? Wow. Witness the glory here! Behold! You simply must watch and listen through the entire clip. It is slightly less horrific than slitting your wrists:



And how could we not love a woman who decides to get married dressed like this?



Ah Jordan/Katie Price. How we love thee. And the fact that you are now married to Peter Andre. We are sure that you certainly deserve each other.

And what's more, unexpected link to our other infatuation: EUROVISION!!!

Ms Jordan/Katie Price was almost the UK's entry to Eurovision. Again, YouTube holds all the answers. Have a look at this and just enjoy/weep/laugh hysterically:



What else could we possibly write after that??

Simply:

Signing off,
-EuroTrash.

The Vision of Europe

Well well well.

Here we are so many moons after the event, but we are finally able to tell you about the amazing experience that was Eurovision! Ah the Eurovision times...

Let us now cast our minds back and recount all that was!

So.

Where to begin? At the very beginning because after all, that is a very good place to start we suppose.

Arrival in Helsinki was an exciting event indeed - the festive atmosphere was palpable with banners across the city heralding the arrival of the greatest show on earth and carloads of sane Finns escaping town as it was steadily invaded by Europhiles, dags and gays.




As soon as we hit the ground in Helsinki, we tizzied ourselves up and made a dash across to Hartwall Arena in order to attend the semi final of Eurovision. Some folk we know have asked us many times why we decided to get tickets for the semi final rather than the final. We gleefully remind them that the best thing about Eurovision is that it is CRAP. Yes, it is crap; but that is why we love it so. And, the semi final is the cesspit of Eurovision where non-qualified countries must out-shine and out-wind-machine eachother for the glory of taking part in the grand final.

What were we subjected to whilst witnessing this spectacle? Too many things for us to be bothered writing about highlights to recount here (besides, we do trust that you, dear faithful reader, did indeed watch the broadcast on television), but for your delight, here is the cream of the crop that had our thighs positively wobbling wildly with excitement!:

Israel:

Our thighs were wobbling not so much from the craptasticness of this act; rather we wobbled out of fear that some nemesis of the Israeli state would actually 'push the button' and seek retribution by blowing up the arena during a live broadcast!

Belarus:
True; the staging was quite inventive and creative with the back up folk appearing to stick to a solid white wall. However, the most impressive thing was something completely unrelated to the song. Flying from Copenhagen to Helsinki, we were passed a complimentary newspaper by the stern looking Scandinavian air hotess. It was in Finnish, and so was totally unreadable to us. Looking at the pictures though, we were highly amused to see the newspaper point out THIS comparison between the Belarussian competitor and another, slightly more, famous personality:



Reincarnation as a Eurovision popette. Surely the penultimate step before Nirvana.


Denmark: Sequins! Feathers! Dancing men! We thought it was a Kylie show. But no, it was a Danish male hairdresser in stockings and high heels. This is what Eurovision is all about.

Poland: Seiously, this was hot hot hot! Cages, funky music, it was very Fergielicious. This song should have certainly made it through to the final, but then again, that's Eurovision!



Norway: A Scandinavian foxy old minx singing a Spanish-inspired song with the gayest back up dancers ever in this history of the world. And to top that all off, she changes costume THREE TIMES in the space of three minutes flat. Witness the glory!



Now, after all of that excitement in the arena, we were highly surprised to find ourselves amongst controversy - all 10 semi finalists to go through to the final were *shock horror!* Eastern European!!! The crowd erupted in boos and hisses!! Sure, some of the songs to get through were legitimately well performed - but hey, aren't the Western European countries meant to be culturally, economically and socially superior?? (Maybe it was their cultural snobbery that made them not watch the semi final and vote for their favourite!!)

Anyway, with the semi final done with, it was a long-awaited count down to the big finale - Saturday night, 14 May 2007. What a glorious day that was!

EuroTrash was indeed well prepared and arrived at Senate Square around 3pm - with only 7 hours to spare until the start of the show!!

(Side note: we are indeed glad though that we arrived that early, for we witnessed two stupendous Finnish acts that we are now committed fans of: REGINA and TUOMO - two fantastic acts that you should definitely have a listen to!!)

As the sun made its ever-slow slink towards the horizon (well, it did set at 11pm!) the crowds poured into Senate Square and the anticipation grew to true FEVER PITCH! Flags were waving; faces were painted; people were getting hideously drunk! Hurrah! Everything we'd hoped for Eurovision and more!





The show started and we were not disappointed! As each country was announed, the posse who'd come to Finland to proudly wave the flag jumped up and gave their loudest shout. EuroTrash did not miss the opportunity though, and proudly waved the Australian flag in the vain hope that one day, maybe just one day, Australia too could compete in Eurovision. Well, if the rules technically say that Lebanon and Morocco could compete if they want to, then why not Australia? We did receive many messages of encouragement from fellow Eurovision enthusiasts...

As the night progressed, at some time around midnight Helsinki time, the absolute pinnacle of our existence came to pass.

As act number 18 pranced out on stage, we thought we would pass out with pure delight, and from lack of oxygen given that we were screaming non-stop at full throttle.

Behold: Verka Serduchka!





Now THIS is Eurovision!!

To be quite frank, this is the most brilliant song. Ever. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. Look at it! There is a man-lady! There are shiny costumes! There is a key change! There are non-language-specific lyrics so you can sing along no matter where you are from! And to top it off, there are accordions! Although it is a travesty that this did not win, it came a very respectable second place behind the Serbian version of a short stumpy k.d. Lang. If you have not seen Verka doing his (her) thing, you are denying yourself the ultimate in Euro TRASH. We do love it indeed.



And so, as the sun rose again at 3am and the crowds began to thin, the almost-post-coital glow from having seen Eurovision in situ began to fade with the sad realisation that the party had already moved on from Finland, all the way down to next year's host country...

GOODBYE FINLAND! HELLO SERBIA!


And it is here, at this point, that EuroTrash left the 'Euro' behind and just simply remained 'Trash'. Flying across the globe on the way home to Australia, that niggling feeling started immediately - desperately wanting to return to Europe again straight away!! And then, we were sent this clip by the gracious PGC which we did feel was a perfect summary of our holiday... Enjoy!




[Postscript: EuroTrash lives! Broadcasting from Our Nation's Capital, EuroTrash doth continue... and we are pleased to also report that EuroTrash will be back on European soil in September 2007... stay tuned!]

Auf Weidersehen,
Au revoir,
Arrivederci,

-EuroTrash.

Awful!

We ashamedly say hello to you dear reader!

Here we are, sitting in our lounge. It may be -300˚ in here, but heck, we're doing it with a wireless internet connection. Which means that all this time we have been happily surfing the interweb at a million miles an hour but not devoting any time to satiate your hunger and yearning for another post (can you feel an inflated ego in here?).

Please do feel free to administer a beating for punishment... but please stop once we are no longer enjoying it.

Slap

There is good reason you know why we have still not yet regaled you with tales of the Vision of Europe.

It mainly comes down to almost total lack of inter-web access outside of working hours. We could be doing this blogging business whilst in the office, giving the appearance of actually doing work; but we are too busy already pretending to do other things. Which is quite a task you know, now having returned to work and finding that the IT people have blocked all access to YouTube. Terrible.

Anyway, EuroTrash's household is soon to advance by leaps and bounds into the technological 21st century when wireless interweb access is installed. As soon as that happens, dear reader, there will be NO stopping us!

It is now Friday at 4:30pm and EuroTrash is off to have the trashiest of weekends. We do hope you try similarly.

Toodle pip,

-EuroTrash

Yes yes, we know...

Although now back on home turf, EuroTrash STILL has not yet updated you, oh lovely reader, on all of the events of Eurovision!!! Golly gosh, much has indeed happened since we last posted... We do promise to whip our butt into shape and round out this story in style - and it SHALL happen. Patience, dear reader, after all is a wondrous virtue.

Also, having had such a positive response from readers, EuroTrash is considering continuing to blog-on beyond the realms of Eurovision - just keeping a EuroTrash eye on life in general. What do YOU think about that? Or are we just being retarded and have a over-inflated sense of self-importance?

SMS "Yeah EuroTrash" to 199 555555 to keep EuroTrash in the house.

SMS "Die EuroTrash Die Enough Already" to 199 555555 to evice EuroTrash immediately.

Helsinki here we are!!!

Greetings gentle people!

Here we are in Finland... at long last! The Holy Grail is just around the corner; we purchased Finnish Tena Lady pads this afternoon in anticipation of seeing the semi final of Eurovision tomörrow night.

All of Europe is Eurovision MAD at the moment!! Danish television is covered with panels analysing Eurovision entries, Finnish television is running nonstop Eurovision-related coverage. To help us survive, we stopped at a lovingly titled shop this afternoon - "Alko" - and for three people, purchased 18 beers (including 'export quality' Fosters), three bottles of wine, premix gin, and two bottles of bubbly. We are certainly in for a ride.

It is EuroTrash's aim tomorrow walking around Helsinki to be interviewed on Finnish TV. We have brought with us an Australian flag, and are considering writing the message "AUS(heart)ESC" to help us achieve that purpose.

Be watching SBS dear Australian readers on Friday and Sunday nights for full coverage. You must be completely sloshed to fully appreciate the goodness on offer.

We certainly will be!

Nähdään myöhemmin!

-EuroTrash!

Moving Central...

Foreword

Hi!!! We are now in Copenhagen and only one sleep away from arriving in Finland!!!!! This following post was actually writte a couple of days ago in Prague, but because of the dodgy computer we had access to and the exorbitant rate at which that super-slow access was charged, we decided to just save this and post it later... so here 'tis and enjoy. Next report will be POST-EUROVISION!!!! For Australian readers, think of us on Friday 11 May around 6am for we shall be screaming our little hearts out in Hartwall Arena. AND, you MUST look up the Ukrainian entrant on youTube and see what they are presenting to the world. The best way to describe it it Grandpa Drag meets Spaceman meets Chicken Little.

We love it.

-EuroTrash.

************



Why hello you! It has been a while hasn't it? EuroTrash has been oh-so-busy indeed and has had such little time in which to document all the wonders which have whizzed past our eyes.

Where did we last leave you? In Rome we think, but that was only because it was Bogan extravaganza time. Other than hunting down bogans, we did actually see things as one is wont to do "when in Rome". Yes it was all very lovely, and we were also filled with the holy spirit when we visited the Vatican:

Whilst we were impressed with where and how the holy spirit touched us, what impressed EuroTrash most of all in the Vatican were the (un)armed forces of the micro-state: the Swiss Guard. Why the Pope should be guarded by the Swiss is beyond our understanding, and why they should be dressed like so is further beyond our comprehension:

Oh so fruity.

After wearing our legs down to bloodied stumps by walking all over the Eternal City, we moved on to the town of Bologna for a little rest and recreation. Bologna is known as a university town and is also known by its nickname of "La Grassa" - the Fat One. Why? Because Bologna is a centre of gastronomic delight, and we're not talking about chip surprise here either! Bologna is the fair home of spaghetti bolognese, now considered a tradition Australian meal, so we took it upon ourselves to test this out and see how Bolognese bolognese stood up against good ole Aussie spag bol.

It stands up very well.

Our thighs testify.

What's more, Bologna is where we found the following things:

La nonna piu' trendy di Bologna

The trendiest grandma in Bologna! Yay! We didn't actually see her in person, but we thought the ad of Nonna Gianna deserved wider publicity

The most straight and free flowing mullet our eyes have ever lovingly gazed upon:

The best concept store EVER in the history of the entire universe:

And so after a couple days of rest, food, drink and fun we moved on from Bologna to Venice.

Venice is a place of extremes - frustrating, annoying, crowded, pigeon-infested, beautiful, intoxicating and magical.

We are very certain that you have seen pictures of Venice before and so we shan't post any up here as the reality is very much like the publicity suggests.

The next stop on EuroTrash's trail of destruction was Vienna. This city boasts an incredibly dense and proud cultural history - a cradle of modern European history and creativity, home to Strauss and Mozart, home of the Hapsburgs and capital of the great and mighty Austro-Hungarian empire. Brimming with dumplings, cabbage, schnitzel (with noodles) and strudel the city has much to offer the visitor. What's more, we were joyously welcomed by the locals:

This was truly a man who danced (rollerbladed) to his own beat. EuroTrash was watching some sort of ceremony involving important people and a military brass band when this fine specimen rolled through, dancing deftly on wheels and singing gently to the thumpa-thumpa in his headphones.

Our time in Austria also took us to Salzburg, the birthplace of Mozart. However, in EuroTrash style, we went for another reason.

The Sound of Music Tour!

We were so excited that we even got well acquainted with our tour bus:

This tour is exceptional. It provides you with the opportunity to visit some important landmarks used in the filming of the greatest movie of all time from the comfort of your coach seat whilst singing along to the sound track at the same time. We shed tears of joy. We marched, we pranced, we twirled our hearts out. Unfortunately there was no hill on which to twirl - but we took every opportunity available to us to do so.

Witness this amazing re-enactment! And relish the rare moment that EuroTrash gives you full view of our faces!

And so we gracefully do-re-me'd our way into the heart of Central Europe - Prague. This city really is as beautiful as you often hear, and is completely unique. It is the only place where all little girls crossing the road must wear giant ribbons in their hair:

All men crossing the road must wear a boater hat at a jaunty angle:

When entering public gardens, please leave the following items off the grass:

And so dear reader, we leave our tales of trash here in Prague.

In the morning we take a hop skip and a jump to Copenhagen where we shall try and wave at Princess Mary.

'Czech' ya later! (Ha! Our wit continues to astound us!)

Ahoj (Yes! People actually do say that here!)

-EuroTrash.