20% Europe. 100% Trash.

Destination 5: Stockholm, or, The Day Our Heart Was Stolen by a Fake Tanned Beauty

2008-09-10T05:59:00.015+10:00

After an atrociously long time, we return!

Yes indeed, we are still alive and do continue to remember your keen expectations, oh lovely reader. And after our prolonged absence and general laziness in keeping you informed, here we are to provide you with a tiny morsel of gossip to satiate you!

Well, where were we? Ah! In our tales, we have just left Helsinki and are bound for Stockholm. Now we were very much looking forward to visiting Stockholm as a dear friend of ours back home in Our Fair Nation’s Capital is just about the world’s HUGEST fan of everything Swedish and primed us up for our visit by showing us the highlights of Melodifestivalen 2008 (i.e. the massive Swedish song contest that is used to pick that year’s entry to Eurovision!). So, we were indeed excited to be visiting Stockholm, this nerve centre of trendy Scandinavian design; the home of Volvo and ABBA; the flat-packed-furniture holy land!!! Can you tell that our excitement was building to fever pitch????

More so than any of the above, we were waiting to behold the one thing that Sweden is legendary for. Beautiful people. Extraordinarily beautiful tall blonde lithe people.

And so, with baited breath, we landed on Swedish soil, kissed it as the Pope would, and then proceeded in to town where we immediately set about finding our lodging for the next couple of nights. We had reserved a bed for ourselves in a hostel set on Skeppsholmen, a beautiful tiny little island set picturesquely in the middle of Stockholm’s inner harbour, overlooking the Old Town. And we weren’t disappointed with the location at all!! It was rather quite amazing!

The bed that we had reserved was the cheapest available – in a large dormitory of seventeen beds! Yes! Seventeen! We were CERTAIN that there were bound to be shenanigans aplenty…

We quickly shed our luggage and met our kind benefactor in town, a generous soul from our homeland who would turn out to be a wonderful ‘local’ tour guide and fun travel companion over the next few days. Together, we strolled through the heart of the Old Town and we found ourselves quite surprised at how 'continental' it felt!

We aren’t too sure what we were expecting, but nothing quite so French or Italian feeling! It was quite lovely indeed!

After more strolling and a quick ferry ride, we suddenly found ourselves amidst a veritable swarm of people. Surely such throngs of people should be able to easily yield us the legendary Swedes we were hoping to see! Surely this mighty crowd of thousands that lay ahead of us should prove to be a very positive sight for sore eyes!!

As we stood amongst the crowd, a gleaming pair of eyes met ours. We were immediately captivated by the gentle blonde locks of a mysterious woman:

Slowly, as her eyes continued to flirt with our camera, she revealed herself:

And then we saw her in her full fake tan glory!

My how our little heart did leap! Such beauty had never crossed our path before! But wait, gentle reader, for she was not the only true and lasting beauty that we saw that day. Oh no. Behold!!

Hmmmm.

For lo! We found ourselves in the midst of the crowds that had swarmed Stockholm for the mighty EUROPRIDE parade!!!! Indeed!

Each year, a city in Europe is chosen to host ‘Europride’, a non-straight Pride festival for all of Europe – much akin to the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras.

And, as you may or may not be able to see from above (beauty is in the eye of the beholder after all, dear reader), as with the Sydney parade, most of it did seem to be about being as freakish and fun as possible!! We had a ball!!!

(so to speak)

What did strike us most about the parade though was the extent to which participation and inclusion was so central to everything: there were countless young families there watching; there were lovely old grannies sitting in their fold-up chairs; people were hanging out of their windows to watch; the parade featured very prominently out-and-proud non-straight members of the police force, the fire fighting service, the army, the medical professions; students; parents and friends; in fact, ANYONE could (and did!) join the parade…

It did make us wonder when we would ever see members of the Australian army marching in the Sydney parade…

And finally at long last, the parade was over. It had continued to rain throughout the afternoon, and so in the interests of health and sanity we went to the hostel to shower and change before the evening’s activities commenced.

It all began with a quiet drink with some friends of friends at a choice locale in the Old Town. Things quickly turned hysterical when our aforementioned ‘local guide’ went to the bar to buy a drink, and returned with a dear aged woman by the name of Elsie. She was slightly crazy. The conversation was completely one sided and went something like this:

“Ah! Hello! My name is Elsie. I just met your friend at the bar and I wanted to come and talk with you some more. You know, I lived in China. And I also lived in Tijuana, Mexico for four years! It was hard you know. There was sometimes no water for up to four months! I know! And so now, my children are grown up and I am here. At this bar. With you. What am I doing here? Hahahaha! Oh, I must introduce you to my friend. He is Finnish. He is a gardener at a nice garden that I like. We become friends there. And he has brought me here for a drink at this bar. He is really very nice. I do like him. We are good friends, but you know, I would like there to be more with him. You know what I mean? I want more from him! But I cannot. I cannot hold this against him because he is a homo. You know I lived in Tijuana? One day, my husband went skiing and he never came home. We went to look for him, me and my son, and then we found his car and he was inside. Dead! He had a heart attack and had been there for two days! And now here I am. With you at this bar. And I would like more from my friend. He is Finnish. I would like to have more from him, you know?? Hahahaha. But he is a homo. You know I lived in Tijuana!”

Oh.

And so it went. Eventually, we decided to run away and head to a place called Club Lino where we were guaranteed to have a fun night out.

And did we ever!!!

Please now be advised that Club Lino is the greatest nightclub of all time!! We were amongst the first to get inside, and from the moment we entered until the moment we left, there was no other music to be played but craptastic pop!! And by craptastic, we mean EUROVISION!!! Yes! How amazing!! Can you just imagine?

I ask you, could anything be more gay? A nightclub full of the gays celebrating Europride by dancing around and singing at the top of their lungs to all the hits of Eurovision and Melodifestivalen?!

This, dear reader, is an evening that we shall treasure forever.

What we remember of it anyway!

It wasn’t until a day or so afterwards that the memories started flooding back – courtesy of photos being uploaded to Facebook. If one knows where to look on there, one may find pictures of Eurotrash dancing around to Eurovision hits with a Union Jack flag wrapped around our head as a burqa.

We don’t know why.

As the evening wore on, the sun rose and it came time for us to rest our poor weary soul. And soles. Our feet were sore!!

So we trollopped back through the streets (without a map, mind you – it’s a miracle that we made it back to the hostel at all!! Amazing!) and got to bed, and discovered that in our dormitory room of 17 beds, there were naught shenanigans in progress!! It was just us! The trash bag of all seventeen hostellers, coming back in at 4:45am.

Ah, we were so proud of our efforts.

And so, beyond this, we didn’t really experience too much more of Stockholm and so are unable to provide with the usual in depth cultural analysis that you have come to highly regard and expect from Eurotrash.

We think perhaps that another visit to Stockholm later this year will be due…

And so, we boarded an overnight train to our main destination: Oslo, Norway. What grand adventures lay over the border? Oh, so much has happened already since leaving Our Fair Nation in mid-July… and it’s just the beginning.

Hang in there dear reader, more to come soon!

-Eurotrash.

Destination 4: Helsinki, or, How We Became the Friend of a Fisherman

2008-08-25T19:19:00.003+10:00

Oh yes! Hello there dear reader!

After a brief disappearance from these hallowed electronic pages, we return! And all we manage to come up with for you, oh dearest reader, is this droll rubbish.

And yet you continue to come back.

Are you into S&M perhaps? For surely this must be worse than self-flagellation, non?

Now. Anyway. As our brief and torrid love affair with New York was coming to a grinding halt, we stood on the corner, waved down several cabs and waited until we could find one that was actually willing to leave Manhattan and take us out to JFK. We were lucky to do so; in fact we made it to the airport just in time: only 50 minutes before our departure!

We rushed through the airport formalities (HIGHLY surprised by the way to discover zero passport control when leaving the United States!), and boarded our absolutely ancient looking Finnair MD-11. With mild trepidation, we stepped into the creaky aircraft and silently prayed that it would safely deliver us on the eastern edge of another continent: Helsinki, site of Eurovision 2007!!!

Yes! We were returning to the site of our former pilgrimage! Indeed Finnair delivered us safely to the tarmac of Helsinki airport where we were warmly greeted by our old friends who we were catching up with. We were whisked into the city centre where we dumped our belongings and then worked out a plan on how to best spend the 48 hours or so that we had together.

It didn’t really involve any sightseeing as we had been in the city just the previous year.

The plan, rather, was drinking.

Oh dear! What a funny time. It also involved cultural ‘exchanges’ of sorts, meaning, getting us to eat the most revolting things that Finland had to offer. Top of the list were the various kinds of salted liquorice available there – and indeed, much loved there. Unfortunately for our uninitiated taste buds, it was one of the most revolting things we’d ever tasted. Here is the only photograph to accompany this post: Eurotrash regurgitating the salted liquorice into the kitchen sink:

And then it was time for the drinking. We proceeded to visit several bars (the first of which was delightfully named “We Got Beef”. Yes, that is true. It was called “We Got Beef”), and during that time, we were told to try a shot.

We were presented with a small shot glass of dark brown liquid. We were instructed not to smell it, not to sip it, but just to open up and swallow.

Ummm… No snide comments now…

Anyway, we did as instructed and drank the shot of stuff.

And suddenly, everything was CLEAR!!! Our sinus passages were clear, we mean. We could breathe easily and we had super fresh breath, AND we got a simultaneous head spin from the alcohol content!

This miracle liquid was called “Fissu”.

Any ideas what is in it, dear reader?

Here is the recipe.

Take TWO PACKETS of Fisherman’s Friend breath fresheners. That’s correct. Two packets. Of Fisherman’s Friend.

Take one bottle of vodka.

Add crushed up Fisherman’s Friend to the vodka.

Shake periodically over the course of two or three days until the vodka completely dissolves the Fisherman’s Friend.

Drink.

Oh. My. God.

WHO ON EARTH THOUGHT TO CRUSH UP FISHERMAN’S FRIEND AND STICK IT IN A BOTTLE VODKA????

OK, so on the surface of it, it seems gross right? But think about it. You get hideously drunk, but you’ve still got minty fresh breath for that random pash at the end of the night…

It’s a winning combination!

And so our time in Helsinki ended with a hideous headache and a wish that we had more time there to spend with our dear darling friends. Then again, we shall be residing in Oslo for the rest of the year and it is only a short hop, skip and a jump back to Helsinki…

For now, anyway, it was time to keep on moving on and the next stop was Stockholm! The home of tall beautiful blonde people!

We thought so anyway. Oh how different reality is!

Au revoir,

-Eurotrash

Destination 3: New York, New York

2008-08-12T23:55:00.022+10:00

Un hommage à Madamoiselle Carrie Bradshaw

As I sat at the bench facing the window of the Starbucks on 49th and 7th, all I could see in front of me were people on the sidewalk going through the motions of life. There were pairs of lovers walking in hand-in-hand, new moms pushing along their designer dressed babies, younger people talking about changing the world, older people talking about how the world had changed too much.

Despite all of these different groups of people, it seemed like they were all linked some how. They all had something in their step which drove them along. As I contemplated this, sipping at my skinny-frappacino-mocha-caramel-chai-latte and tapping aimlessly at the keyboard of my Mac notebook, watching the cursor blink at me on the plain white screen, I couldn't help but wonder... and then my cell phone rang.

It was him.

Big.

I’d accepted an invitation to stay with him at this apartment on 71st between Columbus and Central Park West, and he now said he wanted to show me around town. And that, I have to say, was the start of something wonderful. Something that will last a lifetime. I’d never felt like this before – in just a few short days, I fell in love.

Big met me and said he had to show me his New York.

It started innocently enough with a classic salmon and cream cheese bagel

and ended up in the most ridiculous-fabulous way I could have ever imagined. And so here’s everything else that happened in between:

Discovering big city life from the top of the Rockefeller Centre,

to seeing city night lights from the top of the Empire State Building.

After seeing a couple of Broadway shows, I couldn’t help but be overwhelmed each time I stepped out into Times Square, as bright and as busy as if it was the middle of the day:

In amongst the maddening crush of people, I found a small oasis in Bryant Park where you could pick up a read at lunch time in the Outdoor Reading Room, and by night it turned into an outdoor cinema.

I was shown where the world meets,

and I saw where the world sells.

No sales on Manolos here though unfortunately. None on Jimmy Choos either.

I passed a gorgeous afternoon in the sun, strolling the streets of the Village where I was shown where the best pizza, best Thai, best cookies, best gelato, best cheeses are all available… And there I hung out in the Cornelia Street Café which was the venue for the first ever reading of Eve Ensler’s Vagina Monolgues and was also the café where that Matthew Broderick took out his now wife, you know, ahhhhhhh… what’s-her-name… on their very first date together.

New York was an assault on my senses, even more so than my skinny-frappacino-mocha-caramel-chai-latte assaults my insides. It’s a completely overwhelming place that can intrigue, anger, inspire, throttle, enliven and amaze you – all simultaneously. It’s so overwhelming in fact that I saw it do strange things to people…

It can make you go rollerblading with water bottles balanced on your head!

It can make you think you’re incredibly hot hot hot!

It can make you jump for absolute joy, just like Mario Lopez of former Saved by the Bell fame!

It can make you go out in public wearing matching outfits!

It can certainly make you do insane things. And New York certainly had that effect on me.

What effect did New York have on me? As my time in New York came to a close, I thought the only suitable way to finish up would be to go out in style:

!!!

After a nice little helicopter ride around Manhattan…

I couldn’t ask for more.

As my helicopter rose over the jagged skyline of Manhattan, I finally realised the answer to my Starbucks-skinny-frappacino-mocha-caramel-chai-latte question. I now knew what was affecting all of those people I saw in the street. It was New York herself. The ole dame gives off so much energy that you can’t help at all but be swept up in it all and be taken along for the wonderful ride that is life in the Big Apple. It really is everything at once, and this city can be a million different things to a million different people. To me, it felt like it should. It felt like the centre of the universe, where anything and everything goes.

My time in the city had come to an all-too-quick close. As I bid farewell to my generous host, Mr Big, I realised that I had fallen completely in love. In love with New York, and it’s just the start – the start of a beautiful love affair that’s gonna last forever.

NOW WHERE’S MY COSMO???

-Eurotrash

Destination 2: Arkansas and Missouri the Show-Me State!

2008-08-12T23:30:00.014+10:00

Oh dearest reader.

Here we are once again, significantly delayed in updating you on our voyages, and unashamedly unapologetic for it! Our trip has remained so incredibly FABULOUS that we have hit the proverbial hay each night with aching feet, tired eyes and not a fibre of our being left able to sit and type a few words to you.

But now, gentle reader, that time is over! For now we find ourselves starting to slow the pace down (a little bit), and able to bring you – lovely, lovely reader – into the picture: since last writing about San Francisco, there has been much that we have seen; much that we have done; and much that we have laughed and pointed at!

And so, now it is time to cast our mind back into the distant and murky past and recall everything that was…

The South and Midwest of America!

So we left the fair city of San Francisco – the shining metropolis of bays, bridges, fog, and fabulous shoes. We jumped in a Southwest flying machine (with unreserved seating! How uncouth!), and zipped across the dusty deserts of California and Arizona, and eventually landed in Tulsa, Oklahoma. It was there that our rental car was waiting for us, and in true American style, it was the largest thing we had ever seen:

It really was not what we had expected – we were anticipating something substantially smaller, however we took it with glee and hit the road bound for Springdale, Arkansas. Our little heart skipped a beat as we turned on the radio and found a local station with host “Sheree” who was running a program akin to MIX’s Love Song Dedications which our Australian readers would be familiar with. Sheree was delightful and provided the perfect soundtrack to our drive. As Sheree pumped up the volume on Dirty Dancing’s “I’ve Had the Time of My Life”, we really thought that it couldn’t get much better than that!

But, of course, it did.

For after arriving in Arkansas and enjoying a late dinner in a local fine dining establishment (i.e. a Thai ‘restaurant’ in a dive motel), the very next morning we (that is, Eurotrash and our relatives that we were visiting in Arkansas), packed our car and drove across another frontier border and into the state of Missouri!!

Now, if one takes a closer look at the above picture, one would notice the Missouri state slogan. Each state in the US has a slogan which is supposed to highlight their greatest asset or pitch it as an attractive place to visit.

For some reason, the powers-that-be in Missouri long ago decided that Missouri should be known as the “Show-Me State”.

What?

What indeed is Missouri supposed to be showing us? How does this transaction work? Does Missouri automatically show us things of general and specific interest? Or are we supposed to ask Missouri for particular things and then our wishes would be granted as Missouri lived up to its name as the “Show-Me State” and actually showed us what we wished to see?

How is this mysterious “Show-Me” supposed to work?!

In our profound confusion and befuddlement, we rolled on in to the town of Branson where we were passing the next couple of nights. Branson, we were told, is the home of family entertainment in the United States with theatres galore, theme parks and general wondrous attractions. As the glory of Branson slowly revealed its self, we decided to try it out asking the Show-Me State to show us interesting things and see what would happen.

And we were not disappointed for Missouri was indeed the Show-Me State, and whenever we asked, Missouri followed through showed us everything our hearts desired!!

Dear oh amazing Show-Me State of Missouri! We are longstanding fans of perennial heartthrob Leonardo DiCaprio! If only we could see a monument to his greatness, we would be ever so happy! Show-Me the Titanic oh Show-Me State of Missouri!

Oh!! Gosh!! There it is!! Yes dear reader, you are looking at a portion of a full replica of the Titanic, sitting attractively in a parking lot right next to Highway 76 in Branson, Missouri. And what’s more, this is not even a regular Titanic attraction. No! It is a full museum dedicated not to the actual Titanic, but rather it is a full museum dedicated SOLELY to the “Greatest Movie of All Time – James Cameron’s TITANIC!”. Oh yes, this is one for the movie fans only. If you have any interest in maritime history, then what are you doing at a Titanic replica in land locked Branson, Missouri??

We decided to try again as our first request was so overwhelmingly wonderful!

Dear oh stupendous Show-Me State of Missouri! We are intrigued by the mysteries of the world, and have heard of such wonders as an ‘Elephants Graveyard’ where old elephants congregate to die together. Is there any such phenomenon here in your state? Show-Me your version of the Elephants Graveyard oh Show-Me State of Missouri!

Oh!! Gosh!! It’s an AGEING CELEBRITY GRAVEYARD here in Branson, Missouri!

So NOW we know where the other stars go who don't get offered a residency contract in Las Vegas...

Are you serious, oh Show-Me State of Missouri? Andy-friggin-Williams is still alive? And he’s accompanied by Ann-Margaret?? Oh, my heart palpitates with such excitement! We hoped to see Andy and Ann-Margaret in show before they trundled off to die (some time soon quite likely), but there were so many other attractions to see that we forgot all about them as soon as had taken that photo.

Hmmmm. Now it was time to ask for some other things…

Dear oh astounding Show-Me State of Missouri! As a world-traveller, we are interested in knowing how we shall indeed be travelling in the future! Oh Show-Me State of Missouri! Show-Me the future of economy class travel!!

Oh!! Gosh!! How accurate your forecasting seems to be!

Dear oh astonishing Show-Me State of Missouri! As we are now in the heartland of America, we wish to see a lovely ice-skating show with acrobatic performers that magically morphs into a display of over the top Americana thereby reinforcing the image that America is the greatest nation on the face of the Earth, and thereby inducing the hick audience to spontaneously jump to their feet and stomp and clap in applause and general acclaim, and then have the ice-skating show dedicated to American servicemen and servicewomen in Iraq!

OK... so you got the first part oh omnipotent Show-Me State of Missouri! What about the rest of our request?

Oh!! Gosh!! Show-Me State of Missouri! You really can come up with just about anything at all! Your powers of Showing-Me are limitless!!

Dear oh startling Show-Me State of Missouri! We trot around the globe in search of knowledge and life experience, but what of love? When, oh when, will we find our One True Love, our heart’s true desire, our True Love’s Kiss (note homage to Disney’s ‘Enchanted’ here dear reader: essential viewing)?

Well, after all of this excitement, let us assure you gentle reader, we simply had to leave Branson, Missouri as we were on the verge of expiring from using superlatives to describe our experiences and the stunning powers of the Show-Me State. It was time to head back to Arkansas.

Upon arrival, we headed out for the quintessential American experience: a baseball game. We found that, remarkably, we quite enjoyed ourselves! But please be reassured dearest reader, we did not enjoy it for the sport itself. No, remarkably, a baseball game is little about the actual baseball at all! It seemed that between almost every pitch, there was some sort of cerebral-numbing event:

A running race between a Pringles tube, the Cheetos leopard and another unidentifiable consumer product mascot!

A spelling competition sponsored by a medical centre (hence the spelling word of rheumatology) that was participated in by a man in a giant strawberry outfit!

An inexplicable mid-field ‘stacks-on’ of cows wearing shirts saying “Eat More Chicken”!

At the end of all of this excitement, we were surprised to find that our time in Arkansas was up and it was time to move on. It is always quite amazing to discover how time does fly when one has fun.

Yes dear reader, that is correct. We had fun. A whole lot of fun actually! It was such a pleasure to visit our relatives and see their young family prospering and blossoming in a new country! It was wonderful to discover that ‘Southern hospitality’ actually exists and really is as warm, friendly and inviting as promised! We just enjoyed seeing an alternative side to America which is generally off the beaten track of the well worn tourist trail.

However, all this warm fuzziness came to an abrupt halt as we caught a bus from Fort Smith to Little Rock, Arkansas so that we could connect to a flight to New York.

As we boarded a Greyhound Bus at 3:15am (yes! AM! In the morning!) in Fort Smith (otherwise known as Skanksville, Middle-of-Fuck-Knows-Where County, Arkansas), we were highly displeased to find our good self, Eurotrash, sitting next to actual Southern trash.

Oh! We kill ourselves with our wit and humour!

And so one chapter of the Do-Re-Mi World Tour ended, another began…

Between now and when we write that next chapter up for you, oh lovely reader,

À bientôt,

-Eurotrash

Destination 1: San Francisco!

2008-07-22T12:49:00.013+10:00

Hello, gentle reader, hello.

Well, at long last, this trip is most certainly under way, and what better first stop could there be other than San Francisco, California? (This is a rhetorical question. It is not intended to be answered. So don't answer it please as your views don't count here. Unless you want to tell us how wonderful we are. Then, and only then, will your opinions be valid and taken into account.)

After quite a lengthy flight - made all the more lengthy after a delay leaving Sydney - we finally landed and a US immigration official let us into his country. Silly man.

Once we'd made the trek through the city centre looking for our fine hostel establishment (fancy blocked up toilets and a red light district experience anyone?), we took ourselves a-wandering to see what the city had to offer... and so we saw all the main sights that everyone has seen (that is, what we've all seen from the opening credits of Full House, and from the movie Mrs Doubtfire...). We beheld the splendour that is:

The city skyline at dusk (after walking up a million stairs and getting to the verge of cardiac arrest).

The Golden Gate Bridge.

And yet, whilst they were all wonderful in their own right, we were waiting... just waiting... for that moment to come along. That particular moment when everything clicks into place and really makes this city stand out as a memorable place to visit.

And then we saw him.

Well at first, we didn't see him actually. All we saw was this:

And then after seeing what that did, we avoided it and walked around the side and then saw this:

And then we stood on the other side of the street with the rest of the small crowd that had gathered and then laughed hysterically as we saw him do this:

(or you can click here to see the video on YouTube if you're having trouble viewing it)

And we stayed and stayed and continued to laugh at every new victim! Wonderful times! He's apparently been here for years doing this. We would do it too - it's friggin funny!! Right. We think we've found a new career...

What - or who - else tickled our fancy whilst wandering the streets here? At Union Square in the heart of downtown San Francisco on Saturday afternoon, a fashion parade was in full swing when we stumbled past. Let's just take a quick peek first at the host of the parade who was all manner of hotness:

The host, who had such amazing skills, was in fine form:

Host: And so, now ladies and gentlemen, next up in Fashions in the Square 2008 is a designer who has travelled for 38 hours just to be here with you in Union Square, San Francisco! She's taking African deeeee-zign to new heights! She comes all the way here from Zam-bye-ahhh. Oh honey have I said that right?
Zambian Designer: Uh, no, it's Zambia.
Host: Oh! Riiiight! OK, Zam-beeeeeeeee-yaaaaah. OK, so in your deeee-zigns we see lots of strong African colours and animal prints. Are you taking inspiration from your homeland in Africa? Talk us through that honey.
Zambian Designer: Uh, yes.
Host: Well, that's just great! Let's have a look at some of your deeeee-zigns!

And then out trundled this Zoolander-type:

Take particular note of the handy cape to keep off that winter chill as you do your grocery shopping!

Note the triangular flap with bright red border strategically placed to ward off oncoming traffic when walking at night!

Note the woman in the background who was actually laughing out loud when the rest of us were definitely wanting to...

On a more serious side, San Francisco seems to be a very unique town indeed. It draws on so many diverse inspirations: an amazing Chinatown, a lively and beautiful Little Italy quarter, the Latino-fuelled Mission district, the out-and-proud flamboyant Castro, the brilliant antique operational street cars that come from all over the US and the world (we have taken charming rides in 1950s and 1960s streetcars from Philadelphia, Boston, Milan, Turin and Zurich), Art Deco and Victorian architecture and restorations next door to temples of modern concrete genius...

And so as we finished up pulling a root in Chinatown,

(Sorry, we just had to.)

we decided that San Francisco was just such a wonderful place because of the ability to have all of this sitting side by side and somehow, it all comes together as one incredibly vibrant, energetic and engaging whole.

Oh, and it's also the place of cheap fab shoes!

And so, as this first chapter of the Do-Re-Mi World Tour ends, another is set to begin!!

For as this post is being drafted, we are indeed "24 hours from Tulsa" as Burt Bacharach once knowingly foretold. Tomorrow, we wing our way via the dusty deserts of Arizona and end up in Tulsa, Oklahoma where we pick up a car (an SUV - how American!), and drive off into the sunset and over the border to northwest Arkansas where Eurotrash will be meeting up with relatives who live there.

We think that this next leg of the trip is the one we've been most looking forward to...

Not only because we are reunited with our cousin once more; but rather, imagine the COMEDIC GOLD we are certain to encounter in the peoples who inhabit this far and distant land (or trailer park)!!

And so dear reader, we bid you a fond farewell for now. And as the French say, deux billets pour le metro s'il vous plaît.

Yours in French-like classiness,

-Eurotrash

[Post-script: we are experiencing some technical iss-ewes with our Mac notebook in trying to upload things onto this site... as such there may be some slight delays in getting posts up! We are not quite so technical you see. Pardon moi.]

And so it begins...

2008-07-18T11:18:00.003+10:00

Hello gentle reader, hello.

Well smack me over the head with a dried herring, but the day has arrived and we are only a couple of hours away from departing Our Fair Nation's Capital, Canberra.

And so, the Eurotrash Do-Re-Mi World Tour is LAUNCHED!

We think it may be fair to say that we are relatively excited about this looming adventure. Nay, we may even go so far as saying that we are so incredibly excited that our thighs are trembling so much that they are slapping us in the face, and that we are working our way through our stock of Tena Lady pads quite rapidly!

Oops, must dash.

I just squealed and let out a little bit of wee.

Quite undignified.

Of course, we shall attempt to update this as often as possible to keep you positively enthralled at our adventures around the world.

First stop: San Francisco, California!

Au revoir (do you see? We sometimes use French because it is tres classy. Ergo, eurotrash is classy)

With Papal-endorsed blessings,

-eurotrash.x

Oh deary me... the countdown begins again!

2008-06-15T00:07:00.003+10:00

Heavens above! My goodness, dear reader, I did not expect to see you there! My oh my, how it warms the cockles of my heart to see you faithfully returning after I abandoned you so for many months now.

We have been busy generally saving lives (by email), and studying in order to fill our brain with use~~less~~ful knowledge in order to improve our standing in the world.

But lo! In just over one month's time, we are indeed glad to report that Eurotrash will be once again hitting the road - and this time, circumnavigating the globe! From 19 July we shall be leaving Sydney (running, screaming, away from Sydney as World Youth Day descends, some may say...) for the shores of the United States for the first time! We shall be visiting the land of the Golden Gate, followed by the heartland of the Midwest (!!) and on to La Pomme Grande.

Onwards from the Land of The Fre ~~akin Weirdos~~ e, we shall descend once more upon Scandinavia - alighting in Helsinki, home of the Eurotrash Pilgrimage of 2007, and then on to Stockholm and Oslo where we shall indeed be residing until December!

After finishing in Oslo, we shall be making our way across to Asia - visiting Tokyo, Singapore, Hong Kong, Manila, Kuala Lumpur and Jakarta before returning home to our fair city of Canberra. And real life.

It's going to be quite a journey, and we are certainly in for an enthralling ride... as will YOU be dear reader! Oh how excited I am to be bringing you along on this journey with us!! My thighs are trembling so violently with excitement that I fear they may soon slap me in the face.

Enough excitement for now - I must get back to pouring out all sorts of information from my head and onto the page in the form of a terribly exciting university essay.

Yawn.

Let the adventures begin!

With much love,

Eurotrash.

This aint trash...

2007-10-12T18:26:00.000+10:00

But it's so damn cute it just had to come here for show and tell.

Behold! Uni the Hedgehog!

La vie en Europe, or, IFONLYGEORGECLOONEYWASABISEXUALPOLYGAMISTANDWOULDMARRYUS

2007-10-05T15:40:00.000+10:00

Well hello there gentle reader, hello.

We are certain that your little heart went a-pitter-patter when sighting of this posting appeared on your computer screen.

For lo! we have not perished; nor have we (unfortunately) run off into the sunset with George Clooney never to be seen again.

Alas, alack, we are indeed returned to Canberra, Our Fair Nation’s Capital, having enjoyed a marvellous (but condensed) romp around the various countrysides of Europe. As we have regaled to you previously, we were sent to Geneva by our employer to discuss matters of great import. Much discussion indeed took place:

EuroTrash: Bonsoir monsieur! Nous avons un reservation pour l’Hotel Cornavin. [please note our concerted attempt at speaking française!]
Taxi Driver: Sure. So are you here for work? For meetings and conferences?
EuroTrash: Why yes!
Taxi Driver: Everyone here just talks. You think your talking will save the world huh?
EuroTrash: Hmmf. Just take us to the hotel.

Despite this lack of confidence from le taxi driver, our discussions were indeed rich and fruitful… but what concerns us here, dear reader, is not what took place in meeting rooms. Rather, we are certain that you are veritably chomping at the equine-influenza-infected bit to discover what gems and treasures we discovered outside of the meeting rooms!

Geneva is a lovely town indeed; quite charming and aesthetically pleasing, as was the captain of this boat:

We gladly paid our sum of 35 gazillion Swiss Francs to have him take us for ride. And indeed we rode well together. At least that’s the sort of image that was occupying our mind as we sailed past the lovely lakefront; houses that once belonged to Famouspeoplewhowehaveneverheardof; and all of the buildings that form the homes of various international organisations.

Do you see? It is very lovely.

However, as we wondered wide-eyed through the streets of Geneva, we were struck by an odd sense of deep familiarity… And then it struck us! Geneva is EXACTLY LIKE CANBERRA! Yes! Be amazed at this series of uncanny ~~at a stretch of the imagination~~ coincidences!

Both Geneva and Canberra are built around lakes!

Both Geneva and Canberra have big phallic water jets!

Both Geneva and Canberra have carousels in their town centres!

There are dogs in both Geneva and Canberra!

Both Geneva and Canberra have lovely old houses in their suburbs!

Startling coincidences you would have to agree.

However, once our amazement at the Geneva-Canberra similarities started to wear off, we knew it was time to hit the road.

And indeed we did!

A car was hired and we drove down through France, underneath Mont Blanc and into our spiritual home, Italy!! Hip hip hooray!

Our destination was clear. Lake Como.

Our purpose had been much talked about and we faced it with greater resolve than ever before: to stalk, hunt and marry George Clooney.

Unfortunately, we strayed from our task upon arriving in Bellagio, the town where George lives. We were utterly amazed at the visual pollution that burned our retinas! In this beautiful little town:

These people dared descend!!!

Fashion should not be shredded and torn off in the car door. The middle picture requires little explaining. And the last lady, well, we doubt she has heard of ye olde maxim of 'Fake tan and a gold lame padded handbag an outfit doth not make".

Oh! We felt positively faint with disgust and loathing. How dare these people tread where our dear George lives!

Our search high and low continued for Our George… until we turned a corner, stumbled into a narrow alley and THERE HE WAS!

One half of EuroTrash was snapped getting cosy with George in the gardens of the Bellagio Library:

The other half of EuroTrash sparked worldwide scandal after the paparazzi took this snap, following which George’s reputation was besmirched for all eternity and EuroTrash was left pregnant and alone.

As we left Bellagio, and our hearts yearned and pined for George, the only way we were able to console ourselves was to drive across Switzerland to visit the principality of Liechtenstein. We were instructed to visit the following intriguingly titled museum:

We thought that surely it’s not what we suspect… but when we saw what was on display directly outside the museum;

We went scurrying from Liechtenstein [but not before having our passports stamped at the tourist office].

After such a day of leaving our fabled future with George behind, and being scarred by bronze-breasted behemoths, only one thing could lift our spirits: cultural insensitivity. Driving across the length of Switzerland, we were beset with the giggles as we zipped past: Fuchsberg; a car covered with signs for the website http://www.fuchsof.ch/; Bern-Wankdorf and the delightfully named locality: Bern-Bumplïz.

Oh please!

Adieu nos amis,

EuroTrash.

Trash back on board!

2007-09-12T23:11:00.000+10:00

Apologies, dear reader, for having abandoned you so.

We have, unforunately, become just so slightly addicted to this website... However, we do fully intend to satiate your desire for more trash and will be back on line wholeheartedly once again in the not-too-distant future!

What indeed prompted our return to this humble site was three-fold:

(1) She of Channel Ten News, impersonating an East German transexual!

We were momentarily stunned tonight when we had the telebox on and the Channel Ten late night news rolled on through, and the doyenne of faux pas-es bumbled on to our screen. Yes, whilst Sandra Sully was telling is that a potential tsunami was to hit our shores tonight and devastate the coasts ravaged by a tsunami only 3.5 years ago, all we could think of was:

Golly gosh, Sandra's hair is getting mightily big these days (unfortunately not adequately demonstrated in this picture)

[and then add in extra hair flick which was viewed on our screen tonight]... and you get this:

And then, it's only one short step to this:

YES! This is Hedwig - lead character of Hedwig and the Angry Inch: a brilliant musical about the misfortune of Hedwig, formerly a young East German boy who tried to become a woman out of love for an American soldier; Hedwig later ended up a rock star in the back blocks of Kansas leading others to stardom. Brilliant. It really is. We do encourage you to see it. However, it does raise our suspicions (again!) that Sandra Sully really is a man!!

(2) A certain musical genius introducing us to the world of SCHLAGER!

Yes dear reader, this kind gent came to our place the other eve and shared with us his passion for schlager and made us love him so - he showed us a whole new world, shining shimmering splendid... He popped our schlager cherry and showed us the kind of fabulous, magical pop music that is generated by the wonderful land of SWEDEN. Good times.

From our thorough introduction to this cultural artform, we have deduced the following.

If you wish to succeed in Swedish pop, THIS implement will assist you greatly:

Yes! A hair straightener is all you need!! One application with this implement, and your hot blonde locks will get you looking like this:

Beware!!

(3) EuroTrash will VERY SOON be back on European soil!

Yes indeed, EuroTrash's employer is (foolishly) sending us back to Europe for working purposes! We shall be there for just over a week or so, but much will be achieved - the highlight of which is the anticipated stalking of a major Hollywood star who now lives in Europe... and we are certainly hoping that he is now a bisexual polygamist so that he may marry several of us (of both genders) simultaneously!

We mean, that he marries us simultaneously - not that we are of several genders simultaneously on an individual basis.

And that, pathetically, is all EuroTrash has to offer for now, gentle reader. We do thank you for your patience; stay tuned for ACTUAL European adventures SOON!

Yours,

-EuroTrash.

PS: Adding 'Sitemeter' to our little ole blogspot has been quite revealing indeed! Whilst our entry on Jordan/Katie Price has remained up on the front page of this site, we have found that the OVERWHELMING number of visitors to this page have been people searching on Google for "Katie Price Love Heart Tattoo".

Oh dear.

Sex Porn Lesbian Gay Smear Spooge Smadge Flaps XXX Britney-Comeback Minge Boutros-Boutros-Ghali Pubic

Hmm. Perhaps these words will assist in generating more hits to this page. Oh yes, we freely admit that we are a site-hits whore.

Adieu - see you in a few days, in SWITZERLAND!

Screeeeech!! Crash!!

2007-07-23T20:09:00.000+10:00

One fateful evening back in late May, we flicked on late night television and found this:

The Miss universe Pageant!!!!! Hip hip hooray! We were so pleased. We even witnessed this spectacular performance by Miss USA:

Despite this and other memorable moments, what really intrigued EuroTrash was the person seen at the very start of the above clip...

Did you recognise the washed up ex-sitcom star who was hosting the show?

"But I wasn't hosting the show!"

Oh, That-Fat-Kid-From-Hey-Dad, no it wasn't you. You can go back to knocking on doors now.

No! It was one Mario Lopez who was hosting Miss Universe! He of Saved By The Bell fame!!!!!! Remember that show?

It was the show that launched careers and catapaulted its stars to the heady heights of celebrity! As we've seen, Mario Lopez went on to host beauty pageants! Elizabeth Berkley went on to make Showgirls! Tiffani-Amber Thiessen changed her name to Tiffani Thiessen, we suspect in some thinly veiled attempt to become a "serious" actor! Lark Voorhies (who??!) went on to do nothing really! Mark Paul Gosselaar is apparently a champion cyclist, pilot and race car driver. And still gets the satisfaction out of having an unpronounceable set of two double letters in his surname.

The show, Saved By The Bell, was so incredibly popular that Dennis Haskins, the actor who played the role of the Principal, Mr Belding has admitted that he has found it hard to find work as he is constantly typecast as Mr Belding. His impressive skill set as an actor does still however remain in high demand - Haskins recently paid a visit to Titusville High School in Pennsylvania to speak with its drama club. Yes.

But this leads us to one central actor from SBTB that we haven't revisited yet.

"Me! Me! Me!"

Screech. Oh Screech. This was a role that actor Dustin Diamond clung on to desperately for almost thirteen years! He kept on keeping on through every single reincarnation of Saved By The Bell. What has poor Dustin Diamond done with himself since leaving behind the hallowed halls of Bayside High?

We endeavour to present this to you in picture format as we are not yet quite ready to put this down in words:

And then, add the final step...

Oh good god! Our mind cannot comprehend! Screech grew up and got himself a beard, went on to beg for money to save his house, and has now made a porn video! It is evocatively titled: "Screeched: Saved By The Smell". As if the world hadn't had enough of seeing other 'celebrities' bits!!

Now Screech will forever be known as the Dirty Sanchez Man (can you believe that Dirty Sanchez even has its own entry in Wikipedia??):

Oh Screech. Hearing about you and the "blue jelly double dong" was like being told that Santa Claus wasn't real! Our innocence has been shattered!!!

Screech: you are trash. Trash in a bad way. Not trash in a good Jocelyn Wildenstein kind of way:

"Mmm hmm honey that's right - you bad trash!"

You should use your child-star powers for good and not for evil!!

Let's just hope that little Nikki Webster doesn't follow your example... I really wouldn't want to see an adults-only reinterpretation of her biggest "hit".

"Nikki Grows Up: A Strawberry Kiss" perhaps??

You may vomit now.

TrashTV: Science of Love

2007-07-12T19:13:00.000+10:00

With the Bridget Jones-esque tragicomedy that is our romantic life spiralling rapidly into depths unfathomable, our interest was indeed piqued when the telebox was switched on this very eve and Anna Koren, of Today Tonight treachery, told us that a science magazine held the solution to all of our woes.

According to the Today Tonight website, here are the "lab tested top tips into finding your soul mate":

Tip One: Flaunt your fragrance
That's right. Gents, when at the local drinking establishment, should you spy the potential love of your life - or potential quick poke - just duck into le chambre du piss and grab yourself a sachet of Wipe On Sex Appeal. Yum! Irresistible!

Tip Two: Exhibit your physique
By simply purchasing clothing that is at least three sizes too small, your corporeal glory will indeed be exhibited to all who feel compelled to stare! Nothing says "I'm lovable" more than the ability to turn a pair of shorts into a codpiece.

Hot!

Tip Three: Socially lubricate
We are told that this means enjoying an alcoholic beverage whilst chatting with new acquaintances in order to give an impression of sociability.

Needless to say, we will not be going to a bar and slathering a stranger up in KY jelly in a friendly way whilst chatting about the weather.

At least, not again.

Tip Four: Make people laugh
"What's the difference between a Mercedes and a pile of dead babies?"
"I don't know. What?"
"I don't have a Mercedes in my garage"
"You're sick"
"What's the difference between a horse-drawn carriage and a miscarriage?"
"Oh god. You're a psycho."
"You can't eat a horse-drawn carriage"
"I'm going to vomit"
"Love me. Please."

See? We consider ourselves funny. Why haven't our pick up lines worked so far?

Tip Five: Talk with your body
We do consider ourselves fluent in body english.

This man is saying "Do you come here often? I do. Come. Often. Feed me"

And so to wrap up the insightful scientific offerings, the Today Tonight website offers the following closing piece of, very specific and precise, advice:

"There may be many perfect matches and depending on where we look and how we behave and the culture we live in we might be lucky enough to meet who will be perfect for us"

So THAT'S it! Here we are, living a 9 to 5 existence in an Australian city. If only we were a bulimic transgender anarchist pygmy living in a tent in Tuscaloosa, Alabama we may just have the chance to meet the one of our dreams!

Oh Today Tonight. You are so bile-inducingly awful; every time we happen to see your efforts at "journalism" we feel like gnawing our own face off in frustration.

How we love to hate you so!

We salute you Today Tonight.

TrashBag: Jordan... A Postscript

2007-07-05T23:08:00.000+10:00

We just had to share with you gentle reader.

Our flatmate just watched the clip of Jordan and Peter singing A Whole New World.

She said, "As an aid worker, I have seen children living in poverty. I have seen death. But I have never seen anything like that. What I am really saying is that this clip is worse than death".

And there you have it.

Do watch it.

TrashBag: Jordan

2007-07-05T20:48:00.000+10:00

Light holiday reading as purchased in Heathrow Airport: A Whole New World by Katie Price/Jordan.

Being an aficionado of Trash, we were highly excited to spy this said literary tome and felt wholly compelled to purchase it, despite knowing very well that our own purchase would go towards fuelling the fake tan of Peter Andre.

If you are reading this, we do presumptuously assume that you are, gorgeous reader, similarly acquainted with who Jordan is. If not, well you know what Wikipedia is for. Jordan began her "career" as a page-3 'glamour' girl in the UK tabloids and is best known for her outrageously huge silicon-jammed knockers. She is pure trash:

And so we love her.

This so-called "book" is purportedly an "autobiography".

Rather, we would call it a ranting rave against ex-lovers whilst saying ner-ner because she is now with Peter Andre who apparently has a massive throbbing member, which is "less acorn sized, more of an oak size!" and is also described as "dickalicious". So there.

After promptly throwing up all over our designer duvet, we continued reading and this "book" did indeed prove to be a page turner; but only because with each page, our incredulity that it had even been published in the first place, grew and grew.

Much like Peter Andre's oak-sized thingo apparently.

Why did we like this "book"?

Relish the following concepts:

On preparing for birth, Katie writes: "The nurse told me I might need to shave down there and I replied 'Don't worry, it's bald as a badger!' I always keep it hair-free because of my pink love-heart tattoo. So I was basically ready to go!"

On true love: "I felt so close to Pete [on our honeymoon] and so in love that I felt so totally myself with him and totally relaxed. It may sound like a little thing, but I think you girls will understand - Pete is the only man I have ever let see me without my hair extensions in. I know that he loves me for myself, not just what I look like".

On joining her new husband in a music career: "In November 2005... I sang live on Children in Need and I finally proved to everyone that I could sing and I hadn't just been bullshitting!... It meant so much to me because 'A Whole New World' was our wedding song, and I was singing it with the love of my life".

Jordan and Peter Andre singing? Wow. Witness the glory here! Behold! You simply must watch and listen through the entire clip. It is slightly less horrific than slitting your wrists:

And how could we not love a woman who decides to get married dressed like this?

Ah Jordan/Katie Price. How we love thee. And the fact that you are now married to Peter Andre. We are sure that you certainly deserve each other.

And what's more, unexpected link to our other infatuation: EUROVISION!!!

Ms Jordan/Katie Price was almost the UK's entry to Eurovision. Again, YouTube holds all the answers. Have a look at this and just enjoy/weep/laugh hysterically:

What else could we possibly write after that??

Simply:

Signing off,
-EuroTrash.

The Vision of Europe

2007-06-26T08:44:00.000+10:00

Well well well.

Here we are so many moons after the event, but we are finally able to tell you about the amazing experience that was Eurovision! Ah the Eurovision times...

Let us now cast our minds back and recount all that was!

So.

Where to begin? At the very beginning because after all, that is a very good place to start we suppose.

Arrival in Helsinki was an exciting event indeed - the festive atmosphere was palpable with banners across the city heralding the arrival of the greatest show on earth and carloads of sane Finns escaping town as it was steadily invaded by Europhiles, dags and gays.

As soon as we hit the ground in Helsinki, we tizzied ourselves up and made a dash across to Hartwall Arena in order to attend the semi final of Eurovision. Some folk we know have asked us many times why we decided to get tickets for the semi final rather than the final. We gleefully remind them that the best thing about Eurovision is that it is CRAP. Yes, it is crap; but that is why we love it so. And, the semi final is the cesspit of Eurovision where non-qualified countries must out-shine and out-wind-machine eachother for the glory of taking part in the grand final.

What were we subjected to whilst witnessing this spectacle? Too many ~~things for us to be bothered writing about~~ highlights to recount here (besides, we do trust that you, dear faithful reader, did indeed watch the broadcast on television), but for your delight, here is the cream of the crop that had our thighs positively wobbling wildly with excitement!:

Israel:

Our thighs were wobbling not so much from the craptasticness of this act; rather we wobbled out of fear that some nemesis of the Israeli state would actually 'push the button' and seek retribution by blowing up the arena during a live broadcast!

Belarus:
True; the staging was quite inventive and creative with the back up folk appearing to stick to a solid white wall. However, the most impressive thing was something completely unrelated to the song. Flying from Copenhagen to Helsinki, we were passed a complimentary newspaper by the stern looking Scandinavian air hotess. It was in Finnish, and so was totally unreadable to us. Looking at the pictures though, we were highly amused to see the newspaper point out THIS comparison between the Belarussian competitor and another, slightly more, famous personality:

Reincarnation as a Eurovision popette. Surely the penultimate step before Nirvana.

Denmark: Sequins! Feathers! Dancing men! We thought it was a Kylie show. But no, it was a Danish male hairdresser in stockings and high heels. This is what Eurovision is all about.

Poland: Seiously, this was hot hot hot! Cages, funky music, it was very Fergielicious. This song should have certainly made it through to the final, but then again, that's Eurovision!

Norway: A Scandinavian foxy old minx singing a Spanish-inspired song with the gayest back up dancers ever in this history of the world. And to top that all off, she changes costume THREE TIMES in the space of three minutes flat. Witness the glory!

Now, after all of that excitement in the arena, we were highly surprised to find ourselves amongst controversy - all 10 semi finalists to go through to the final were *shock horror!* Eastern European!!! The crowd erupted in boos and hisses!! Sure, some of the songs to get through were legitimately well performed - but hey, aren't the Western European countries meant to be culturally, economically and socially superior?? (Maybe it was their cultural snobbery that made them not watch the semi final and vote for their favourite!!)

Anyway, with the semi final done with, it was a long-awaited count down to the big finale - Saturday night, 14 May 2007. What a glorious day that was!

EuroTrash was indeed well prepared and arrived at Senate Square around 3pm - with only 7 hours to spare until the start of the show!!

(Side note: we are indeed glad though that we arrived that early, for we witnessed two stupendous Finnish acts that we are now committed fans of: REGINA and TUOMO - two fantastic acts that you should definitely have a listen to!!)

As the sun made its ever-slow slink towards the horizon (well, it did set at 11pm!) the crowds poured into Senate Square and the anticipation grew to true FEVER PITCH! Flags were waving; faces were painted; people were getting hideously drunk! Hurrah! Everything we'd hoped for Eurovision and more!

The show started and we were not disappointed! As each country was announed, the posse who'd come to Finland to proudly wave the flag jumped up and gave their loudest shout. EuroTrash did not miss the opportunity though, and proudly waved the Australian flag in the vain hope that one day, maybe just one day, Australia too could compete in Eurovision. Well, if the rules technically say that Lebanon and Morocco could compete if they want to, then why not Australia? We did receive many messages of encouragement from fellow Eurovision enthusiasts...

As the night progressed, at some time around midnight Helsinki time, the absolute pinnacle of our existence came to pass.

As act number 18 pranced out on stage, we thought we would pass out with pure delight, and from lack of oxygen given that we were screaming non-stop at full throttle.

Behold: Verka Serduchka!

Now THIS is Eurovision!!

To be quite frank, this is the most brilliant song. Ever. If you think otherwise, you are wrong. Look at it! There is a man-lady! There are shiny costumes! There is a key change! There are non-language-specific lyrics so you can sing along no matter where you are from! And to top it off, there are accordions! Although it is a travesty that this did not win, it came a very respectable second place behind the Serbian version of a short stumpy k.d. Lang. If you have not seen Verka doing his (her) thing, you are denying yourself the ultimate in Euro TRASH. We do love it indeed.

And so, as the sun rose again at 3am and the crowds began to thin, the almost-post-coital glow from having seen Eurovision in situ began to fade with the sad realisation that the party had already moved on from Finland, all the way down to next year's host country...

GOODBYE FINLAND! HELLO SERBIA!

And it is here, at this point, that EuroTrash left the 'Euro' behind and just simply remained 'Trash'. Flying across the globe on the way home to Australia, that niggling feeling started immediately - desperately wanting to return to Europe again straight away!! And then, we were sent this clip by the gracious PGC which we did feel was a perfect summary of our holiday... Enjoy!

[Postscript: EuroTrash lives! Broadcasting from Our Nation's Capital, EuroTrash doth continue... and we are pleased to also report that EuroTrash will be back on European soil in September 2007... stay tuned!]

Auf Weidersehen,
Au revoir,
Arrivederci,

-EuroTrash.

Awful!

2007-06-13T21:46:00.000+10:00

We ashamedly say hello to you dear reader!

Here we are, sitting in our lounge. It may be -300˚ in here, but heck, we're doing it with a wireless internet connection. Which means that all this time we have been happily surfing the interweb at a million miles an hour but not devoting any time to satiate your hunger and yearning for another post (can you feel an inflated ego in here?).

Please do feel free to administer a beating for punishment... but please stop once we are no longer enjoying it.

Slap

2007-06-01T16:22:00.000+10:00

There is good reason you know why we have still not yet regaled you with tales of the Vision of Europe.

It mainly comes down to almost total lack of inter-web access outside of working hours. We could be doing this blogging business whilst in the office, giving the appearance of actually doing work; but we are too busy already pretending to do other things. Which is quite a task you know, now having returned to work and finding that the IT people have blocked all access to YouTube. Terrible.

Anyway, EuroTrash's household is soon to advance by leaps and bounds into the technological 21st century when wireless interweb access is installed. As soon as that happens, dear reader, there will be NO stopping us!

It is now Friday at 4:30pm and EuroTrash is off to have the trashiest of weekends. We do hope you try similarly.

Toodle pip,

-EuroTrash

Yes yes, we know...

2007-05-22T16:42:00.000+10:00

Although now back on home turf, EuroTrash STILL has not yet updated you, oh lovely reader, on all of the events of Eurovision!!! Golly gosh, much has indeed happened since we last posted... We do promise to whip our butt into shape and round out this story in style - and it SHALL happen. Patience, dear reader, after all is a wondrous virtue.

Also, having had such a positive response from readers, EuroTrash is considering continuing to blog-on beyond the realms of Eurovision - just keeping a EuroTrash eye on life in general. What do YOU think about that? Or are we just being retarded and have a over-inflated sense of self-importance?

SMS "Yeah EuroTrash" to 199 555555 to keep EuroTrash in the house.

SMS "Die EuroTrash Die Enough Already" to 199 555555 to evice EuroTrash immediately.

Helsinki here we are!!!

2007-05-10T04:17:00.000+10:00

Greetings gentle people!

Here we are in Finland... at long last! The Holy Grail is just around the corner; we purchased Finnish Tena Lady pads this afternoon in anticipation of seeing the semi final of Eurovision tomörrow night.

All of Europe is Eurovision MAD at the moment!! Danish television is covered with panels analysing Eurovision entries, Finnish television is running nonstop Eurovision-related coverage. To help us survive, we stopped at a lovingly titled shop this afternoon - "Alko" - and for three people, purchased 18 beers (including 'export quality' Fosters), three bottles of wine, premix gin, and two bottles of bubbly. We are certainly in for a ride.

It is EuroTrash's aim tomorrow walking around Helsinki to be interviewed on Finnish TV. We have brought with us an Australian flag, and are considering writing the message "AUS(heart)ESC" to help us achieve that purpose.

Be watching SBS dear Australian readers on Friday and Sunday nights for full coverage. You must be completely sloshed to fully appreciate the goodness on offer.

We certainly will be!

Nähdään myöhemmin!

-EuroTrash!

Moving Central...

2007-05-07T02:57:00.000+10:00

Foreword

Hi!!! We are now in Copenhagen and only one sleep away from arriving in Finland!!!!! This following post was actually writte a couple of days ago in Prague, but because of the dodgy computer we had access to and the exorbitant rate at which that super-slow access was charged, we decided to just save this and post it later... so here 'tis and enjoy. Next report will be POST-EUROVISION!!!! For Australian readers, think of us on Friday 11 May around 6am for we shall be screaming our little hearts out in Hartwall Arena. AND, you MUST look up the Ukrainian entrant on youTube and see what they are presenting to the world. The best way to describe it it Grandpa Drag meets Spaceman meets Chicken Little.

We love it.

-EuroTrash.

************

Why hello you! It has been a while hasn't it? EuroTrash has been oh-so-busy indeed and has had such little time in which to document all the wonders which have whizzed past our eyes.

Where did we last leave you? In Rome we think, but that was only because it was Bogan extravaganza time. Other than hunting down bogans, we did actually see things as one is wont to do "when in Rome". Yes it was all very lovely, and we were also filled with the holy spirit when we visited the Vatican:

Whilst we were impressed with where and how the holy spirit touched us, what impressed EuroTrash most of all in the Vatican were the (un)armed forces of the micro-state: the Swiss Guard. Why the Pope should be guarded by the Swiss is beyond our understanding, and why they should be dressed like so is further beyond our comprehension:

Oh so fruity.

After wearing our legs down to bloodied stumps by walking all over the Eternal City, we moved on to the town of Bologna for a little rest and recreation. Bologna is known as a university town and is also known by its nickname of "La Grassa" - the Fat One. Why? Because Bologna is a centre of gastronomic delight, and we're not talking about chip surprise here either! Bologna is the fair home of spaghetti bolognese, now considered a tradition Australian meal, so we took it upon ourselves to test this out and see how Bolognese bolognese stood up against good ole Aussie spag bol.

It stands up very well.

Our thighs testify.

What's more, Bologna is where we found the following things:

La nonna piu' trendy di Bologna

The trendiest grandma in Bologna! Yay! We didn't actually see her in person, but we thought the ad of Nonna Gianna deserved wider publicity

The most straight and free flowing mullet our eyes have ever lovingly gazed upon:

The best concept store EVER in the history of the entire universe:

And so after a couple days of rest, food, drink and fun we moved on from Bologna to Venice.

Venice is a place of extremes - frustrating, annoying, crowded, pigeon-infested, beautiful, intoxicating and magical.

We are very certain that you have seen pictures of Venice before and so we shan't post any up here as the reality is very much like the publicity suggests.

The next stop on EuroTrash's trail of destruction was Vienna. This city boasts an incredibly dense and proud cultural history - a cradle of modern European history and creativity, home to Strauss and Mozart, home of the Hapsburgs and capital of the great and mighty Austro-Hungarian empire. Brimming with dumplings, cabbage, schnitzel (with noodles) and strudel the city has much to offer the visitor. What's more, we were joyously welcomed by the locals:

This was truly a man who danced (rollerbladed) to his own beat. EuroTrash was watching some sort of ceremony involving important people and a military brass band when this fine specimen rolled through, dancing deftly on wheels and singing gently to the thumpa-thumpa in his headphones.

Our time in Austria also took us to Salzburg, the birthplace of Mozart. However, in EuroTrash style, we went for another reason.

The Sound of Music Tour!

We were so excited that we even got well acquainted with our tour bus:

This tour is exceptional. It provides you with the opportunity to visit some important landmarks used in the filming of the greatest movie of all time from the comfort of your coach seat whilst singing along to the sound track at the same time. We shed tears of joy. We marched, we pranced, we twirled our hearts out. Unfortunately there was no hill on which to twirl - but we took every opportunity available to us to do so.

Witness this amazing re-enactment! And relish the rare moment that EuroTrash gives you full view of our faces!

And so we gracefully do-re-me'd our way into the heart of Central Europe - Prague. This city really is as beautiful as you often hear, and is completely unique. It is the only place where all little girls crossing the road must wear giant ribbons in their hair:

All men crossing the road must wear a boater hat at a jaunty angle:

When entering public gardens, please leave the following items off the grass:

And so dear reader, we leave our tales of trash here in Prague.

In the morning we take a hop skip and a jump to Copenhagen where we shall try and wave at Princess Mary.

'Czech' ya later! (Ha! Our wit continues to astound us!)

Ahoj (Yes! People actually do say that here!)

-EuroTrash.

Bogans in Paradise

2007-04-28T01:42:00.000+10:00

If you are a super-keen reader of this blog, then you may have noticed that cherished reader "Tutti Frutti Rosa Venuti" has placed a special request.

After realising that EuroTrash has a keen eye for spotting fashion trends, Signorina Tutti Frutti has requested EuroTrash to scour the streets of Bella Roma to find "Bogans in Paradise". It is our sad duty to inform you, dear reader, that there are indeed many bogans in this paradise-land. The streets of Italy do seem to be fairly littered with specimens of the breed Boganis Travellaris, although there was one very exciting spotting of the more rare breed Boganis Italianus Nativis.

Be astounded as you witness this parade of bluuurgh!

SPECIMEN ONE:

This specimen was found INSIDE Saint Peter's Basilica in the Vatican. From the waist up, she appears to be relatively normal; the keen Boganis-spotter will note that below the waist however, the pink pyjama pants combined with ugg-boots doth betray her true identity as a Boganis-backpackis. She may have thought that by covering up she was showing some respect for the fact that she was in a place of Christian worship. Unfortunately, just after this picture was taken, a bolt of lightning struck her from the ceiling of the basilica and she was smote for crimes against all of Creation.

SPECIMEN TWO:

This is a juvnile specimen of the Boganis family, Boganis brittanicus, spotted in the grounds of the Vatican City. Identified by the "London" marking on its back and the protrusion of hair at the rear base of the skull, the Boganis brittanicus is expected to grow into one of the most powerful species of Boganis known to humankind. This species of Boganis is particularly fascinating. When fully grown, this very specimen of Boganis brittanicus will undertake an annual pilgrimage to the mating grounds of Ibiza off the coast of Spain. In an effort to attract a member of the opposite sex, the plume of hair at the rear of his head will be displyed in its full glory much in the same way a peacock displays his plumage, thereby attracting a female member of this species, the Boganis brittanicus minger. She will respond to his mating dance by displaying her bleached-white hair and performing a dance whereby the palms of her hands will be shown in their best light. This is to show the Boganis brittanicus the orange streaking on her hands from when she applied copious amounts of fake tanning cream.

SPECIMEN THREE

Dear reader, we have arrived at the rare Boganis italianus nativis. It was with great delight that EuroTrash spotted this prime specimen. Behold it in all its glory without further ado for words cannot describe the wonder which was spotted today just off Via del Corso, a very fashionable shopping street:

And here we have a little more of a close up:

If you are able to look closely enough, you will see that his singlet is made of mesh-like material, thereby allowing easy viewing of his ample stomach, chest hair and man-breasts. Above his left nipple (unfortunately obscured by his crossed arms) is a patch sewn onto his attractive singlet which said "SPECIAL DELIVERY".

Indeed.

Happy Boganis spotting everyone!

Ciao,

-EuroTrash.

EDITED - Life in the Mediterranean

2007-04-24T05:19:00.000+10:00

*******************
Foreword

The first half of this post was put up around 24 hours ago. We had continued to start the rest of the post immediately; but the man whose internet cafe we were in decided that we had been on his computer for long enough and disconnected us. Everything was lost! A big argument ensued, and we are proud to report that we argued effectively in Italian including many hand gestures as per local custom. Whilst we are happy with that outcome, we are most displeased that we are trying to reconstruct this entry as the one we had written last night was simply wonderful. We apologise in advance if this one is less than scintillating.

Grazie mille,

-EuroTrash
**************

Hello reader, hello.

Today we find ourselves in Italy. It is most wonderous, and is all that we have dreamed of, and a whole lot more. In the tradition of the plethora of books ('Under the Tuscan Sun' for example) about moving to Italy and living la vita italiana, we shall be unnecessarily inserting Italian words in italics and providing you with ~~unnecessary~~ handy translations afterwards which helps show our authenticity and ability to assimilate into the local culture. Come così (like so).

Allora (now then), where did we last leave our tales of travel? It was in France I believe...

Paris indeed was inspiring, glamorous and astounding. We traversed the city as dusk fell to see the Eiffel Tower display its hourly shimmer:

We also sat in front of the Notre Dame cathedral and fed little birds bits of the baguette (baguette) that we had bought at the local boulangerie (boulangerie) that morning:

In addition to all of this activity and general hubbub, we managed to be cultural too! With arms in a formation similar to what one would be expected to do in the well known 'chicken dance', we elbowed our way through the crowds at the grand Louvre Museè (museum) to see Her. Yes, we managed to catch a lengthy glimpse of Mona Lisa, She of the Enigmatic Smile and key inspiration behind the literary watershed, The Da Vinci Code.

What is it that is so enigmatic about her smile? We do think that the enigma could very well be that she is indeed not smiling at all, but rather was painted like that becase Signor da Vinci knew that millions of people would line up every year to see this painting and walk away muttering to themselves "Right. Seen that. Où est Le Venus de Milo?". Signor da Vinci did after all invent the helicopter 500 or so years before anyone else did, so we are certain that he would have forseen the Mona Lisa fiasco at least.

Having considered that we had "done" Paris (or at least our very tight itinerary was telling us that we had no choice in the matter), we made our way to the train station and caught the oh-so-lovely TGV train all the way down to the Riviera where we alighted at Nice. Now, do bear in mind that we are travelling on a youth Eurail pass which means that we should only be entitled to second class travel on trains. BUT, the lovely lovely lovely people at the train station gave us first class tickets!

Yes, that is correct gentle reader, EuroTrash is pleased to report that all people in Paris are very nice indeed. It was our expectation that we would use our haltering French to request a baguette (baguette), only to be handed a dead squirrel and then when we assure them a mistake has been made, we would be spat at in the face. Fortunately, none of that eventuated. In a traditional Today Tonight-style survey, we interviewed (interacted with) approximately 30 Parisiens and we can conclusively announce that 100% of Parisiens are nice!

You will be pleased to note that this was not the only Today Tonight-style survey that we conducted. Sitting in McDonalds in Montmatre, someone upstairs must have had a coronary from the french fries sauce that comes with all meals. An ambulance was called, and three ambulance workers bustled in. Of our survey of three ambulance workers, we can conclusively announce that 66.66% of all French ambulance workers are highly attractive!

[Please be aware that all visits to McDonalds are done in the interests of cultural research. The Economist magazine uses the prices of Big Macs worldwide to provide economic analyses; in a similar vein EuroTrash is using McDonalds as a baseline to effectively compare and contrast the varying cultures we encounter. In another Today Tonight-style survey to come later, we will use McDonalds to conclusively announce which culture in Europe is ultimately the best]

Hmm. After that slight detour, let us return to our arrival in Nice.

Nice is très (very) beautiful. The old town is full of narrow cobbled lanes, bars and restaurants one would expect. We found ourselves unexpectedly hauling our collective butt up a large hill (almost mountainesque) and gasped for breath (at the sheer beauty, and also because of exhaustion) at the following scene:

With limited time in Nice (one night), we made the most of it and took part in quintessential French Riviera activities - people watching and sand castle building. I am sure that as a reader of this blog, you are an educated individual and would be aware that a great percentage of beaches in this area are pebbly indeed (our Today Tonight-style survey of one beach allows us to conclusively announce that 100% of Mediterranean beaches are pebbly!). However, due to our deft skill and expertise in construction and engineering, witness the wonder of our Mediterranean Sand Castle!!!

And it is indeed this very picture that leads us to the other said activity - people watching. If you missed it in the picture above, here is a close up, in detail for you:

In Australia, fashion trends for the summer usuall follow what has been trendy in Europe for the summer just past. With this in mind, then for the next Australian summer, back hair and bottom-crack-revealing-speedos-with-vomit-print will most certainly be in!! You read it here first.

Here is another fashion trend sure to hit Australia's fair shores (girt by sea), as spotted on the very same beach:

Yes; subtle, monochromatic yet highly functional.

Fashion is also used to make strong personal statements. Take this young man for example:

Here, the young man is presenting us with the dichotomy that is his life. He wishes to rebel against society (by not wearing pants); yet at the same time he must still work within the system, and so wears his pants beneath his bottom thereby cancelling out their intended function. How clever he is indeed! We are aware that this bottom-showing trend is already en vogue (in fashion) in Australia, but (ha! pun intended) expect it to go to new heights - or lows - as summer comes around.

After this quick stop in Nice, we again boarded the train and crossed the border into our spiritual home, Italy. It had long been our ambition to visit Italy having studied the language for many a year, and were keen to put those language skills to good use. We took our seats, and before long an elderly signora (lady) had come into our compartment to sit down. Carrying a large valigia (suitcase), we kindly offered to assist her place it in the luggage racks above. Gratefully accepting, we proceeded to haul it up whilst simultaneously shifting our own backpacks over and trying not to fall on anyone. With the signora fussing away, we shifted her suitcase a little too far to the left and pushed a little red handle we had not seen previously. Mechanical screeching belched out from all around and we were jolted abruptly as the train came to a halt having just triggered the emergency stopsignal. We tried to hide our blushing face as EVERYONE on the train started to peer in at us whilst the guards rushed over and fussed about.

We had already begun to leave our mark on the country.

Actually, in more ways than one.

During a lenghty trip of any sort, it is inevitable that one will need to relieve one's self at some point. We headed to the bathroom on board the train and whilst our bladder was being relieved, we saw this:

"Durante le fermate nelle stazioni è vietato servirsi della ritirata"

"It is forbidden to use the WC when train is standing in the station"

Wondering why that was so, we finished and flushed. As water filled the bowl, so too were our ears filled - with the sound of the train rushing over the tracks. The belly of the trainhad openedup and left our relief on the tracks. Some may think that living in the Italian country side may be idyllic; it can indeed be so, but just don't live near the train tracks!

Our train deposited us in Genova on the Italian 'riviera' coastline. Genova is a major port town and due to our afternoon arrival we did not have the opportunity to go out of town and see the glamorous parts of the coast line as hoped so instead we stuck with the harbour front in town, a completely unsatisfying meal and many a toothless zingara (gypsy lady) asking for money. We retired early to our room and turned on la televisione (the TV) and got us some Italian "Deal or No Deal" action! It was a decidedly run-down version compared to the Australian show; cardboard show boxes tied up with string were used instead of shiny brief cases as is seen in Australia. And sad but true, the host's oration skills were not nearly deft as Andrew O'Keefe. Oh Andrew, how we missed you in that dark hour.

The next morning saw us moving south through the country to our present location - Firenze (Florence). This city, and the surrounding areas of Tuscany are simply beautiful. One searches for adequate words to describe it, but they can not be found. So, as the Italians say, "una pittura dipinta mille parole" ('A picture paints a thousand words'. Well, we are not sure if they actually say this or not). So here are a few pictures, and you dear reader, can come up with the accompanying few thousand words.

A view of Firenze from the Boboli Gardens

A view of San Gimignano from the top of the tallest tower.

The huge and bustling main square in Siena

The view of an American tourist being made to wear blue plastic sheeting after entering a religious building dressed inappropriately (shoulders uncovered).

And so ends our time here in Firenze.

We did notice whilst wandering around here that there is a stark contrast between Britain, France and Italy. Britain and France know how to do grandeur very well. Their major monuments gleam, everything is polished, the transport is excellent and tourists are bustled about efficiently.

Italy too is certainly home to grand monuments. The Duomo here in Firenze is an amazing structure and all literature EuroTrash has read about this building assures the reader that the Duomo is indeed one of Italy's best loved treasures. However, it does not gleam; one can see it slowly fading amidstthe scaffolding, water damage and dust. The myriad police services that patrol the area seem to strut and preen rather than do anything useful and any concept of efficiency and orderliness seems totally foreign here. Like the toilets on the train and the dodgy production of Deal or No Deal, everything has a used and shabby feel about it. And this is what makes Italy, well, Italy. EuroTrash would have it no other way. As a famous Canberran once said, "I don't know what it is, but I just love it!".

So true.

Arrivederci,

-EuroTrash

EuroTrash en France (but let's chat about Seoul and London too)

2007-04-18T04:49:00.000+10:00

Why hello.

We find ourselves in Paris; but more importantly, we find ourselves in an internet cafe with lots of time available. We have not been able to decipher how much it will cost yet - our haltering French hasn't yet reached beyond "Ou est le toilette?" and "merde" and other such phrases.

However, despite our lengthy absences from this blog, my priority does remain with you gentle reader. Take a journey with me as we recap things that have happened thus far!

KOREA

Yes, as mentioned in the previous post, our 15 hours or so in Seoul were action packed! Not letting the fact that it was midnight and about 5 degrees celcius, we decided to do as the locals do and went shopping at 3am. Yes! This city is a shoppers paradise! The massive malls in the city are open from 10am through to 5am EVERY DAY.

3am in Seoul! Night market stalls in front of the huge shopping malls

And, as promised in the previous post, here is a picture of the greatest gastronomical item invented by Korea. Behold the CHIP SURPRISE:

Starting from the outside with a layer of chippy battered fried goodness, one is indeed surprised when a sausage is encountered in the middle of this gastronomic delight! SURPRISE!

And before the cries erupt of "EuroTrash! You travelled across the globe to just eat fatty fried fat?" please be assured that we did eat more regular Korean fare:

Pick a title:

"EuroTrash enjoys traditional Korean BBQ cuisine"

"Traditional Korean BBQ enjoys EuroTrash"

"EuroTrash sucked off table by traditional Korean BBQ"

LONDON

Trash for trash.

We felt immediately at home in London.

The following sights were viewed (amongst others):

EuroTrash was highly dismayed to find out that this bridge is NOT London Bridge. Having seen this picture all our lives as a London landmark, we foolishly assumed it was the London Bridge. No! It is Tower Bridge. We were heart broken to learn this fact as we were skipping across the walkway singing "London Bridge is falling down!"

When we heard that a bunch of men were parading down the Mall wearing bearskins and blue feathers on their heads, we thought London's version of the Sydney Gay and Lesbian Mardi Gras was in town. But no, it was the changing of the guard at Buckingham Palace.

We put our leather chaps away with haste.

Note that the stay in London was also educational! We learned some new, exciting and innovative photography techniques! Look at these!

By increasing the aperture on one's camera, one can make things go blurry in the foreground! Genius!

Look how the water is blurred giving the impression of flow and movement! Yes! Simply lengthen your shutter speed and you too can create photographs as good as this one!

And if all of these sights and education wasn't enough, EuroTrash was fortunate enough to see the stage production of MARY POPPINS! Yes, the classic movie comes to life on stage - and in all seriousness it was wonderful. The directors have given the stage Mary Poppins a strange edge to her - very much like Johnny Depp as Will Wonka. Our singing of "Supercalafragilisticexpialidocious" carried long into the night as we ambled back to our beds for the night.

Aah.

PARIS

And so that brings us to Paris. EuroTrash only arrived in Paris several hours ago; but the city has already had such effect on us. We are staying right next to Notre Dame. Double aah.

The following sights were seen this afternoon:

The sun setting over the Seine as we regardons le cathedral du Notre Dame de Paris!
We are currently making up our French as we go along. Apologies to anyone that actually speaks French for ruining your language completely. We did however manage to buy two tickets on the Metro this afternoon. SUCCESS!

People busking playing the accordion and wearing black and white stripy shirts!

Small cobbled laneway complete with small car parked at jaunty angle on the kerb and a dome roof with spire peering over the top of the buildings!

Yes, these have all made EuroTrash very happy. However, on the way here to this very internet cafe, we came across another sight which beat the lot!

Woman with big hair, leather jacket and small fluffy white dog!!!

Triple aah.

Au revoir,

-EuroTrash

Cultural learnings of Korea for making greatness of world

2007-04-16T09:10:00.000+10:00

Hallo dear reader!!

This shall just be a very quick post due to a couple of factors: a) the exorbitant British Pound, and the fact that we cannot stop converting prices back to Australian dollars in our head and having a coronary attack every time we reach for my wallet and so cannot rationalise paying for internet access beyond 3 seconds duration; b) it is quite late here and our head feels like it shall fall off shortly.

What a whirlwind! It has only been a few days since departure, but it already feels like so much has happened that we feel that if we were to go home now, it would have been a fulfilling break already. But after that thought runs its course, we come to our senses and realise that there are many more moons to go before this trip is yet through!

So. Korea.

Disappointingly, VERY disappointingly, the flight on Asiana Airlines contained NO singing, magic tricks or string quartet performances. We were dismayed at their oversight, but soon forgot that when I watched the inflight Korean movie offering. "200 Pound Beauty" is an insightful movie about a young lady who wishes to become Korea's next singing sensation. However, she weighs about 200 pounds (100 kilos??) and is therefore grotesque and should be kept in a box as my interpretation of various cahacters' attitudes revealed. So in response, the 200-Pound-Beauty, Hana, decides to have full body plastic surgery, and after a few months emerges from her cocoon as a fully formed butterfly - the svelte singing lark, Jenny. Jenny takes Korea by storm, but the story wraps up with her having to reveal her true identity. Shock! Horror! What sort of culture worhsips youth and beauty like that! The shame! (Irony intended)

Watching that film on route from Australia to Korea put me in a certain frame of mind before entering the country. Upon landing, we ended up heading into town from 11pm to 5am and spent the entire night market and window shopping. Amongst the all-night throng of people, we stumbled across possibly the best Koren invention not yet released to the rest of the world. The chip-sausage surprise!

A sausage is skewered on a stick, and then is enveloped by golden crinkle-cut fries, all battered and fried to form one large ball of sausagey-chippy gloop.

Glorious I tell you. We ate ours in about 2.64 seconds flat.

And then as we scoffed one looking around we noticed that Koreans, in our ~~inflated~~humble opinion, Koreans (well, in Seoul at least!) are incredibly fashion conscious people.

How was it so then that they had these tasty gloops of fat-on-a-stick on offer, and many people were similarly scoffing said gloop, and no one in our sight would have had to endure poor Hana's fate as in the 200-Pound Beauty??

Oh dear. As the seconds tick away, so do does my available internet access time! This shall continue later, including a photo of the Sausage-Chip-Batter-Surprise wonderment; an ~~exaggerated~~accurate account of our first taste of London (including new seires of posts - "McComparison!") and other randomness.

Yours in pluralis majestatis,

EuroTrash

Korea vs. Denmark

2007-04-10T16:57:00.000+10:00

EuroTrash's departure is now so close, and the excitement has reached such unbearable levels that we have recently had to stock up on TenaLady pads to retain some outward sense of dignity. Spontaneous wettings of one's self, combined with impromptu stomping of feet, clapping of hands and high pitched squeals have led to many people in EuroTrash's office to keep a good distance.

Speaking of departure, over the Easter weekend it dawned upon us that we are leaving Sydney on Friday the 13th, and also flying on a not-so-well-known Korean airline! However disturbing that combination of factors, we are very much looking forward to the flight itself. Yes, it will be very long haul - approximately 23 hours of flying spread over a two day period, but we shall spend every minute of that flying time thoroughly entertained by:

THE INFLIGHT MAGIC SHOW!

Yes boys and girls, Asiana Airlines has thoughtfully constructed a tasteful alternative to regular inflight enterntainment. Please read:

In order to break up the monotony of long-haul flights, Asiana has trained a group of talented flight attendants to entertain and amuse you. Primarily on our transpacific and leisure routes, such as Bangkok, Saipan, Guam, and Sydney, customers have the opportunity to enjoy a wonderful after-dinner show of live music and magic. Flight attendants may perform stage tricks or individual hand tricks, making things magically disappear and reappear again. Customers may also have the opportunity to hear performances by a string quartet, choir, or solos on the violin, saxophone, or flute. Asiana cabin crews are also trained bartenders who will walk through the cabin and offer exotic cocktails. Along with a shake and a stir, you can enjoy your drink, the magic show, a long nap, or the upcoming movie.

Well, we are very much looking forward to this unique brand of 'entertainment', but we do hope it is as good as Denmark's Eurovision entry for 2007:

Click on her/his smiling gob to see her/him in action!

Oh the craptasticness! It's very Oxford Street vs. Rock Eisteddfod.

So long, farewell!

2007-04-03T12:48:00.000+10:00

A wise young woman once warbled:

So long! Farewell!

auf Wiedersehen

Adieu!

Just as Fraulein Maria was sent off to see the world beyond the walls of the Nonnberg Abbey, so too doth EuroTrash go.

Yes, gentle reader, EuroTrash is taking the big hike from the antipodes to The Continent. Our stops are handily highlighted as pink-bits on the above little map for you. However, my dodgy work in Microsoft Paint may cause you to be slightly mislead if you are geographically minded.

Join us for rollicking adventures through fourteen cities in five-and-a-bit weeks; using blogger.com for the first time; and our frequent use of the pluralis majestatis. We shall be doing our best to regale you with entertaining tales and ~~superficial~~ in depth analyses of the myriad cultures and people we encounter ~~but if it doesn't happen we shall make it up~~.

Note the following expected highlights:

*Facing blank stares as our Italian language skills are tested and realising that ten years worth of lessons have been in vain!

*Seeing these terrible acts LIVE in person at EUROVISION!

*Meeting a penpal in real life that I've had since 1997! Yes! We do still write to each other!

*The use of asterisks to denote lists, and the unnecessary use of exclamation marks!

It's all happening. Finally.

Departure in nine days!